choking

oh how i wish i had the skill of drinking water.

a most quiet serendipity of thought

stare into my hand,
at every wrinkle
that exists,
who i will become,
in time's limits,

a fist forms,
size: my stomach,
little wonders
that form
my curiosity,

i wait and
ponder once again,
will i look
at this hand,
years from now,

and think the same

the new will always become old.

last minute parties

i'm the queen of them.
would anything last minute be bad? i know being prepared and organized is the way to go. but something about being random and frantic appeals to me. although i cant imagine other people feel the same way when i do that. i try to place myself in other people's shoes. Next time i'm having a par-tay mally's going to be planning it and calling everyone. she's a total control freak, this will be good for her, and she loves doing stuff like that. That way my parties will no longer be last minute.

i wanna be these kids when i grow up

i really want to just...

am i really that horrible of a kid? why cant you just stop getting on my case over everything? you're stressing the fuck out of me. i can't even do anything, say anything, or just be quiet, without you getting all up in my grillz!

when home alone i can....

talk to myself
listen to whatever music i want as loud as i want
watch tv shows I like
do whatever i want to do
eat other peoples' food
be peaceful and quiet

blackstone.

FINE!

i'll admit it.

i miss you like fucking crazy.

and i just can't help it.

uh oh

i thought i was done,
maybe its just
the time of night,
i'm feeling like i did,
and i don't think
its right,
too much emotion
is not good right now,
i'm starting to
feel weak.

out vs. in

There are so many things that people take for granted or just dont like or maybe have never tried. then there are the things there are just too much of and really seem stupid. i've seen so many of those do's and dont's columns in magazines and so i decided to make one of my very own.

over-rated

men (except sano, boggie, and tyler)
cell phones
dairy ice cream (it just doesn't taste the same anymore)
america's next top model (so lame)
fast food
stores like walmart, macy's, jcpenney's, etc
laptops at school
bathing suits (who honestly needs one?!)
those twisty colored pencils
emails/txt messaging/IM
instant tea
car AC
air wicks (bleh)
uggs (ugly)
crocs (ugly)
disney channel stars (ugly)
flat screens
florida


not acknowledged enough
tapes/tape players
thrift stores
harold and maude
old volvo wagons
vegan food
molcajetes
shopping carts
classical music
homegrown/homemade
pen pals (i love you majesta!)
chocolate almond or soymilk
candles
mix cds
real dictionaries (not online!)
gardens
cook's illustrated
nakedness

whoa there cowboy

what's up with the random flashbacks? thats not fair! i dont want to remember those things, i honestly don't! there should be a name for the flashbacks that are distressing. because flashbacks aren't necessarily meant to be bad! i mean the actual definition is "a past event remembered vividly," i say that's too broad and vague for the definition. maybe a flashback is something bad and remembering a memory is good...?

or maybe i'm just over thinking this.

i was thinking earlier...

i was taking my daily bath earlier today and i realized i couldn't think of anything without a purpose. i mean really, nothing. i dont know if that makes me feel sad or happy. even the lowest of the low have a purpose. when i think about stuff like that it really makes me wonder if i'll do anything important that will make me have more of a purpose than just making a baby. or if i'll do something big, something that shows my support towards something i believe in.

4th of july and other days

i was sitting on the couch with ella and mom.
i said, "with this deep scratch on my cheek and this lumpy bruise on my shin it looks like i got in some kind of scrap."
ella says (being completely serious), "well you know what? i have FIVE bug bites all over! what do you have? like 1?"
enough said.

well anyways, my californian cousins came up to WA and i've been pretty much hangin with them most of the week at the cabin. we had the most insane time! we all went skinny dipping (without chandler and the adults), swam in our underwear (well chelsea and me did), took the row boat up to the creek, checked out the hottie wakeboarders, walked around pike place market (we went to le panier!), harassed chandler (the youngest, he's almost 12), made daisy chains, watched the most bomb fireworks ever, accidently sunk the kayak and then swam it to shore, etc.

(they're all blonde except pete)
pete wells: married to shauna (the dad), he's not really a chandler, thats why chandler is named chandler (to keep the family name)
shauna: the mom (she's a chandler)
chelsea: the oldest (15) she's totally like a valley girl but she's freaking awesome and completely bad ass.
madison: she is 5'10' and like a size freaking 0, she's a stick! madi's more quiet than chelsea and she's more conservative i think.
chandler: the youngest and the only boy, what more can i say? lol. he's just a riot.

i love all of them to freaking death. i'm going to miss them terribly till the next time i see 'em.

torn

what else can i say? i'm torn into two.

it hurts me to read stuff like that. i really have heard some hearsay i didn't want to hear today. some stuff wasn't hearsay but still just as distressing.