hugs

i need a hug real bad right now. I'm so vulnerable and depressed right now, i bet i would let jeremy buckley hug me. Its that bad. geez, i am really pathetic. maybe i just need sleep. why am i acting like this? am i going emo again? i need help, i need someone to save me from myself.

dad's house

Bah! i'm stuck @ dad's house. Nothin to do except sit around and waste valuable time. Dad won't even let me use his good computer, so i have to use the bad one, and it has like NOTHING! i cant even IM! He wont take us shopping on this "beautiful day" but he'll keep us locked up inside his stupid house.....with his dreaded birds....and snake. I hate those stupid parrots, all they do is screech, and that is PAINFUL. and i'm not joking, your ears are always ringing in that house....from those damn birds! Some day my dad is gonna come home to find that his birds are dead, and he'll know who to blame. I dont even hide it that i hate 'em. I swear, he likes his parrots more than he likes his own kids. Thats all he cares about really, he even has this baby voice when he talks to them. sickening, i know. Dad even buys food that we love, and says, "this is for the birds, you cant eat all of it!" And so i'm like, "screw you" and eat them anyways. I always have a fucking headache @ his house, and there's no escaping from that horrid sqrawking and screeching! The house is so small, you hear those parrots from even the room thats farthest away. It seems like every 3-4 weeks i do see him, he's added another "member" to the "family". At this rate he'll have 6 by the end of the summer. And what's the deal with the snake? I walk into my room, and i'm like, "wtf?", there's a freaking snake on the floor of my room (in a cage of course). Then my dad's like "surprise!" and he's all excited. I kind of looked at him for a while, and then just left the room, lets just say i wasn't thrilled. My sisters were though, they love it when dad gets all these new pets. They're so stupid sometimes. They should remember what always happens, what's happened in the past. Dad brings home this new pet, we get excited, we learn to love it, and then he has to give it away, because he says he can't handle a pet right now. Wtf is wrong with him? He's always gone, he's never home..at all. He doesn't even have enough time for his own children, so he's not going to have enough time for any pets. He shouldn't be getting all of these pets and stuff, he knows better. I've gotten used to it, i've learned to adapt to his fucked up life, and to never get my hopes up with him. He has never kept a promise. I cant tell you how many times he's gotten me all excited over something, but let me down. And now he's doing the same damn thing to my sisters. I just can't believe they go for it. i just cant. Why is he such a fucked up lier? Why does he lie over everything? I'm so fucking pissed right now, i'm so sick of this. I'm so glad i have a good mother to make up for this mother fucker of a dad. Fuck him and his fucking life. He only thinks about himself, and always has.

those little things

My mom asked me to plant seeds and garden with her earlier, and so I said yes, i would. Not because i wanted to, but because i wanted her to be happy. It made me realize that sometimes we do things that won't make us happy, but will make other people happy, and so it makes it worth it. I think that if everyone did more little things that make the people they love happy, and thought of others before themselves, the world would be a nicer place.
And just maybe if more people gave random compliments, and more hugs, the world would be even more of a nicer place. So i think maybe i'll give some compliments to people that annoy me, because i have said bad things about them, which is wrong. And i'm sorry if i have been mean to you, and i ask of forgiveness.

I know that my littlest sister may be extremely annoying sometimes, but she is one of the most creative people i know, and she can start singing, and make up the words of her own song as she goes along. Now thats skill! She also has very artistic skill when it comes to doodling, i just dont know where she gets all of her ideas! I know I couldn't do what she does. (and i know she's not posessed by a demon)
I would like to give a compliment too my other sister mally, and i admire her take-charge atitude, she could definitely be an important business woman when she grows up. mally also has this skinny bod, and i admit, i have been jealous of her body before, which is also wrong, i know. Also, she's so caring when someones sick, she'll totally take care of them and everything. Mally cleans the house, does her chores like she's supposed to, has amazing baking/cooking skills, and still does good in school. She really amazes me.
Jacob is one of my really good friends, and i shouldn't have said those bad things about him and kurt on my blog. You aren't kurt's bitch! I'm so sorry jacob! You know i love you! You have a ton of intense things about you that i could compliment on, but mostly i think your main skill is your creativity with doodling and your story telling. I swear you could draw/write a picture book and it would be best-selling! I honestly dont know how you do it, but you can just randomly start drawing a story and tell the story to people while your doing it! I dont know any other guy like you jacob, you are a one of a kind.
Jenny seems like she's perfect, and i have critized her for it. Thats horrible and witchy of me. I'm sorry Jenny. You are outstanding and so sweet! You have straight A's, super nice, and just an outstanding student. You dont deserve any critizement. I'm just jealous, and jealousy is ugly with intensity! I'm sorry jenny!

End of School

Wow, i cant believe school is already over. The first day of Junior High seems just like yesterday, not being able to open my locker, forgeting to bring my planner to school, getting stressed by homework. (i sound really cheesey! lol!) It just doesn't feel like summmer to me, at all. I bet i'm going to wake up on monday at 6:00 a.m. and start to get ready for school! And all my friends, i'm going to miss them, so hard. *sob* The bright side is i'll still get to see them once and a while, at the movies and stuff. I'll have to have a party.
But some new little things have happened now that it's the end of the year...
-Me and michael broke up
-I kissed ben on the cheek! hehe!
-Kurt asked me out last night, and i thought he was joking, but i guess he was cereal, then he dumped me this morning cause jacob told him i liked someone else! lol!
-ITS MY SISTER'S BIRTHDAY!!!! MALLY'S (ELIZABETH) TURNING 11!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! SHE'S SO LUCKY TO HAVE HER B-DAY BE ON THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! THATS SO COOL! (haha! that rymes!) I'M SO PROUD OF HER! SHE'S SO GROWN UP!.......NOT! hahahah! borat!
-I finally saw the movie American Pie while my mom was gone, and then after that i watched Duece Bigolow: Male Gigolo when she was gone too! hehe, i'm so sneaky! but i think the second one is waaaaaay better than the first. I think you'd agree with me with this one.
-Schools out (obviously) and that means no more homework, and i get to stay up late and get up at 12! HECK YES!
-I'm proud to say, that i am now an 8th grader!

I hope this summer turns out ok, i'm not looking forward to it right now, but who knows what could happen?

intense poems

I made some more poems, yes, i'm such an emo. I wrote these two poems when it was raining outside, and i was feeling depressed and stressed. So i was expressing my feelings (dont make fun of it).
Somewhere
Confusion,
Anger boiling,
Tears falling,

Why can't i leave this state of mind,
To leave,
To somewhere else,
Where I'm alone,
So i can get away,
From this filth in my head,

Leave this place,
To go somewhere,
In the middle of nowhere,
All by myself,
So I can clear my mind,
Of this filth in my head,

Shut everyone out,
So i can meditate,
To leave this state of mind

And my other one is...

Sometimes i wish,
I could leave this world,
And never come back,
Clear my soul,
Of this hate and emotion,
Let myself fly away,
Into the unknown,
Be forever forgiving,
and have no regret

Tyler

What is his deal? what is my deal? Why am i so mad at him all of a sudden? i dont know. I felt like i was replaced for a while, since he only talks to michelle, but i got over it. But now i'm feeling it again. Matt's replaced me too. He used to be nice and mean to me, but it was ok, because he balanced it out. Now he's just mean, and he always talks to michelley too. Would someone be a nice friend if they were mean? I dont know why i'm mad at tyler for this, i really dont. Poor tyler, he's so oblivious of whats right in front of him. Michelley welley is so nice, but somehow she bugs me, am i jealous? nope, i have nothing to be jealous of. Than what is that feeling inside my gut/heart? Why am i feeling this? Why do i dislike her like that? i have no reason too! I think tyler is obessed over her, but i think thats normal, its just he doesn't seem to have time for his other friends now. and i think thats wrong. Aren't i his friend? i thought i was, i guess i'm not to him anymore. I was just about to say something else, but i lost my train of thought since my sister interrupted me. damn it. Back to tyler, i dont know what i was going to say at all now, but it was important. It really sounds like i'm a jealous bitch, but i'm not jealous, but i may be a bitch. I dont know what to think anymore, i really dont. I'm kind of confused, and depressed right now. oh well.
and i hate stupid pet names like pooky bear, totally creepy, sorry.
i'm not having pms, either. i'm 100% sure.
do i have real friends? i think so, yeah, and if i dont, i could just go emo, and hang out with the druggies, thats where i supposedly belong now isn't it?
why am i so pissed? i dont know why! i'm freaking myself out, where is this anger coming from? why am i deciding to let it out on tyler? Is this my emotions that i have been bottling up for so long? that might be it. i dont know, i seem to be very vulnerable right now, and i even let misha hug me. thats saying something. what the hell is wrong with me? why am i doing this? i need someone to help me. fast.

IM

I think i IM way too much, and i'm starting to get sick of it. Its not even fun anymore! But something keeps pullin me back (hey! thats a song!) to the computer and its like an instinct i do, to go IM. I think i might be addicted! This is not good! I need to find new hobbies! I think maybe i'll start skateboarding again, yeah! thats what i'll do! i'll start skateboarding again, to keep me off the computer! GREAT! i solved my own problem!

Summer Blues

I DONT WANT SCHOOL TO END! This school year has gone by waaaaaaay too fast! 7th grade has definitely been the best! And i'm so not looking forward to the summer of me just babysitting my two sisters while my mom goes to work. All i'm practically going to be doing this whole summer is running on the treadmil, sleeping, eating, yelling at my sisters, watching tv, and IMing. talk about boring! School is exciting, and i get to see all of my friends! I'm going to miss them so much, I really hope we keep in touch over the summer! Especially Tori, i'm going to miss her so bad when she moves back to China, i think everyone's going to miss her! :'(!!!! To top it off, my grandma, grandpa, aunt, and uncle are all going to Europe this summer ( they're leaving in a few days), they're staying in Europe for a month! During every summer, i usually go to their house and hang out with them! Now my summer's going to be even more boring and lonely.
You may be thinking, we dont you just hang out with friends? Well to answer that, i cant, i have no ride, and i'm going to be staying at my mom's house, so its far away from my friends houses. Even if i did have a ride, i couldn't go anywhere since i have to babysit. The only days i could really go to a friends house is during the weekend, but isn't everyone going to be busy then? I dont know what i'm going to do, I'll have to wait and see what happens i guess.
uh oh.....SUMMER MODE!
Even if i love school, i'm already getting into summer mode, and i'm getting all lazy and stuff, thats not good. There's still 1 more week left, and i need to pull myself together! FAST!

The summer blues suck! I have nothing to look forward to AT ALL!
i need someone to save me or something. lol!

more poems

ok, i made a poem, it doesn't make any sense, and really sucks (and sure isn't as good as tori's!), but i'm still proud of myself anyways! lol! Ok, here it is...

Why am i so naive?
Why am i so confused?
When the truth is plain to see,
at least for everyone but me.

Why am i so left out,
i've gone into a pout,
Wont somebody tell me,
What this fuss is all about?

I think i have made up my mind,
I know what I should do,
I'll walk right up to them,
and ask them what's the deal.

They told me what was happening,
I feel i should've known,
That never trust a rumor,
No matter what you feel.

OMG!

OMG! I JUST READ ONE OF THE BEST POEMS EVER!!!!! I CANT BELIEVE MY FRIEND WROTE THIS! THIS IS AMAZING! SHE IS AMAZING!
OK, HERE IT IS....
Look out the foggy window,
Into the swirling,
swirling snow,
Look into a world of shining glass,
That once a year will show.
Watch as the crystals fall from high,
Gently onto your outstretched hand,
Study the mystery of the sky,
Floating softly down to land.
Stare as the first rays of sun,
Set the land a glow,
Look as you see the winter’s frost,
Melt as the green grass grows.
Feel the sunlight on your skin,
Touch the new life surrounding,
See the pale green buds appear,
On trees, oh how astounding.
Hear the sweet song of birds,
Rejoicing in the chill,
Hear the life creep out of the mist,
Out of the endless still.

is this normal?

I really like michael, i think i've actually got a real crush now, and i haven't had one for so long!
i cant stop thinking about him, and when i do think about him, i get these really bad butterflies in my stomach. i mean reeeally bad! i couldn't even eat today. I keep thinking about doing stuff with him, and i wont get into detail, (since so many of my friends read this, and will think "wtf is wrong with her?!?") but i think you know what i mean ; ).
...Wait a minute...
Is this normal? Or maybe i'm getting obsessive? That wouldn't be good.
I need help.

Ella

I'm worried about my little sister Ella. Mally and I are not good influences on her... at all. Ella is 7 years old and already swears, i think the first word she learned how to spell (and actually remember it) was poop (she was 5 then)too. I'm worried about how she's going to grow up. I'm like the worst sister ever, i never pay any attention to her, and i teach her bad things. She's going to be evil by the time she goes into double digits.
Another thing is, she thinks she's fat, she's 7 and she thinks she's fat. That makes my heart feel sad. When i try to talk to her about it, she doesn't listen. I think Mally is putting some bad things in her head, after all, she hangs out with her way more than i do.
One thing that isn't my fault however, is she's totally obsessed over TV and bad foods. And she's the laziest person i know, wait, i take that back, she's not the laziest (but close).
I'm just feeling apprehensive? or scared? i dont know. but i'm feeling something bad about what she's going to turn into.
Mally i'm not worried about as much as Ella. Although i tell her crap i shouldn't as well.
I really need to stop doing that! I'm ruining my sisters!!!!! :'(
Do you think they'll be ok? Or will they grow up a bit messed up?

helpless

I feel torn apart. What am i supposed to do when 2 of my good friends are fighting? Have i caused this? No, i dont think so. They were fine last week (i thought).
Tori always knows what to do and say, i wish i could be her right now. I mean Jacob won't get off peoples backs about everything! I'm not saying i'm on anyones side, but i feel bad for tyler. Why does jacob care if tyler's obsessed over michelle? Shouldn't tyler be obsessed over her? After all they are gf/bf.
Aren't tyler and jacob both friends? Then why is jacob getting on his case about stuff? I understand that jacob might be frustrated with him, but come on! Shouldn't he be a bit more reasonable about it. I know that i used to be jealous of michelle since tyler gave like all of his attention to her, and none to his friends (like me), and i think thats what jacobs going through. I'm over it now, because i had to stop myself and think.... "wait, why am i jealous of michelle? i dont want to be tyler's gf. he's just my friend, so why am i jealous?" and then i realized how stupid it was to be jealous of michelle and that tyler was still my friend and he didnt replace me at all. (jealousy is also not attractive at all: )
Maybe tyler and jacob will get over it soon, until then i'll have to support both of them? No, i think i'll stay out of this one. I dont want to be called a f*cking b*tch again! lol! Maybe i'll just give advice? I'm stumped on this one. I have a bad feeling that this is going to last a while, it may seem like its gone away, but really be invisible, like a ghost! lol! I'm pretty helpless. oh well, what can you do really?

my blog

My blog seems to have caused a ton of problems between me and my friends, and its very troubling. I'm wondering.. should i delete my blog and never make one again? or should i delete my blog and start another one but not tell anyone about it? I also could just leave this one how it is too.... i guess.
Some of my friends are getting in a hissy fit over what i write, and that also gets me to wondering..
Am i not sensitive enough over their feelings about what i think?
Or are they over-sensitive about what i think?
Am i really being the f*cking b*tch they think i am?
Should i care?
Or should i try and change?

i'm on crack????

Why does everyone think i'm on crack? I really dont act like it! All i do is laugh, and people say, "Are you on crack?" and i'm like "no!' It doesnt make sense to me, i'm really not the sort of person to ruin my life by smoking dope or something. And these people think that i am! lol! its insane! Especially jacob, he's convinced that somethings wrong with me, and that i take drugs. And once he starts giving me a hard time (like at lunch), then almost everyone does. At first it was funny, and i laughed with them when they were saying i was on crack, but now its really getting old and its really not funny anymore. Its kind of stupid. Is it normal for a person to be used to being made fun of? I really dont know. Jacob can kiss my ass, i just dont care what he thinks. I'm not on crack, and i never will be. I'm just getting annoyed with hearing it over and over and over again that i am.

this is a change of subject, but i think i'm sexually harrassed by the 8th graders who get off my bus stop. They make comments about my body, and i really really dont want to get into detail. I guess they're my friends, its just that sometimes they can get kind of creepy, if you know what i mean.

Softball : (

OMG! my softball games are too long! They're like 2 and a half hours long! They would go faster if i actually had good pitchers on my team, wait, i take that back, i do have 1 good pitcher. but her dad wont let her pitch more than 7 innings a week, and she plays on 2 teams at the same time, so she only pitches 2 innings for us. its poop. I play 1st and right field, but so does this other girl, and she complains whenever she doesnt get to play 1st so she gets to play it more than me. And she really isn't that good, i guess she's ok. I'm just getting sick of softball. The practices are on fridays and tuesdays too. Come on! who has practices on fridays! Thats sooo stupid! I cant go to the movies with my friends that much because of it! And i have a tournament starting monday. you know what that means? (i dont usually have games on mondays, only on wed. and sat.) That means that my break days from softball, i dont have anymore!!!!! I HATE MY UNIFORM!!!!! I WISH I HAD COOL TEAM COLORS LIKE RED AND BLACK AND HAVE BLACK PANTS!!!!!! BUT INSTEAD I HAVE BLUE AND YELLOW WITH BLUE SHORTS!!!!!!!!! AND MY SLIDING SHORTS ARE TOO SMALL FOR ME!!!!!!!!I want to quit! I dont even get that much excercise! I was more fit when i didnt do softball and just ran on my treadmil for 3 times a week. I wanna try a new sport, maybe golf. Golf is more fun and less boring.

my friends

Blackstone- He's too wrapped up in what other people think of him, and how everyone copys his jokes. Although everyone does steal all his jokes, and i kinda feel bad for him. I also think its sad how he thinks he always needs a gf. If you dont like anyone, dont ask anyone out! Its as simple as that! And when did he start liking kerry? That was a surprise, but i'm not saying i'm jealous, 'cause i'm not. Jacob wasn't exactly the best bf, but he's cute. Even if he's a major flirt on IM and email, but then you get to school and he acts like a boob. I cant believe he wont invite me to his party either, we're supposed to be tight! lol! He's one of my best-friends, and we have a pretty good time together! Don't we? Well, we do when he's not making fun of me over and over again about the same things. Like my arm chub, he tries and says that all my fat goes to my arms, when i know it doesn't. My fat is evenly distributed throughout my whole body, thank you very much! People think that he acts like kurt's bitch too, and i guess that its true when kurts around most of the time. Jacob is a good friend over all though.

Matt- I have nothing bad to say about him. He knows when too much is too much when it comes to making fun of me and kidding around. I have a fun time around him, and we have all our classes together, so he's a good study buddy. lol! Him and Alison are such a cute couple together too! Matt is boyfriend material though, so alison and him are going to be together for a long time, i can just tell!

TT- Tyler's a good friend also, even if he's totally obessed over michelle! lol! His mom is really nice too. He's a gentleman when it comes to showing his affections towards michelle, and i admire that. When all the guys are like, "tyler, you're such a weiner, put the moves on michelle!" He ignores them, and takes his time with things. He's gradually showing more affection toward her. They're pretty cute together! lol! and he's determined to kiss her next time they go to the movies! I think tyler's good boyfriend material too, michelle's lucky, he's really cute and nice. But i think tyler has a lot of anger bottled up in him towards some things, and i feel bad for him about certain situations i wont mention.

Katie- She's one of my best friends, but i dont feel that comfortable with her as i do with some of my other friends. Its because i barely see her anymore, and she can be sensitive sometimes and i have to be careful what i say. Katie used to be hilarious and silly, but now she seems to be more serious, i guess she's getting more mature? I dont know, but she's still super duper fun! I'm also jealous of her eyebrows, she has the most perfect beautiful eyebrows! She looks very classy.

Kurt- Lol! He's one of my friends, and my art buddy! I like talking to him in art while working, its fun. Kurt is fun to be around with. Although, he is a major flirt, but that may be a good thing or a bad thing (depending on who you are)! lol! He's cool, i think he's very laid-back and relaxed. I envy how he doesn't care what other people say about him, he's always so casual about stuff. Even if he can be an ass-hole sometimes, but then again, everyone can be an ass-hole sometimes! I also have to say, i liked him when he had the bushy eyebrows better, it was more natural looking! : ) Thats all i really have to say about him right now! Oh, and he has funny, but perverted jokes! lol!

Alison- Alison is sooooo sweet!!!!!!! I think she's such a nice person, she's also very classy, and i love her sense of humor! The only down side is I sometimes dont know what to say around her, which is poopy.

Larissa- I really dont know what's her deal. at all. We used to be tight, but now she hangs out with the "cool" group, its kind of weird. And we used to have the same sense of humor (well it seemed like we did) but since she hung out with a different group, she acts like she doesnt want to be around me that much sometimes. Well she used to anyways, or did she? She kind of changes her mind about me all the time it seems like! One day she'll ignore me kind of, and the next she'll act like we're best friends! ITS SO CONFUSING!!!!! she confuses me.

Erin- I love erin's parents!!!!! They are so awesome! And they love me too! jk! hahahah! Also, Erin i s another super sweet girl, but she isn't too sweet shes hard to be around with. She has a real good sense of humor and can hang out with guys like kurt (with the perverted jokes ; ) I love hanging around with erin, but i also dont know what to say around her either.

Michael- Michael is my new sick-conversations buddy! We talk about stuff like sex on IM or email. He knows so much! It's kind of surprising how much he knows! And i admire his orginality in personality and fashion sense! lol! Michael also really doesn't give a shit about what other people think either! One other really great thing about michael is... HE GIVES LIKE THE BEST HUGS EVERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!! i mean intensely good! You know that feeling when you hug someone and it just feels right? Its really hard to explain, but you know how it feels like you fit perfectly in his arms? like 2 puzzle pieces put together? Its kind of like that. Now you're probably thinking that i have a crush on michael, well i only do for a moment when i think about his hugs! lol! The rest of the time i dont, really!

Ben- He's so cute! Ben really needs to work on his flirting skills though (like i already talked about). I think its poop how we are supposed to be going out, but he doesnt even talk to me (i know i dont talk to him either) and he's the one who's supposed to start the conversations and flirt! He's the man of this relationship, so he has to do it, i'm tired of flirting all the time! lol! Ben is a nut, i love how goofy he is, and i love hanging around with him too. poor ben woody! Jacob says i'm going to ruin him, i dont think i will though.

Kate- she's one of my good friends, but she's fun to be around with. Kate's one of the "cool" group, and I only really talk to her on the bus. We sit next to each other everyday and talk. I swear, her life has so much drama in it, she could write a book just about her life and it would be interesting! i would definitely read it! And kate always knows what to say with comebacks to people, she's really funny! And kate could say she was 15, and i think people would believe her, she looks way older than she really is. I also don't get how guys think she's a man? she is farthest from that! I love her hair, its so pretty, its like the perfect shade of blond, i wish i had hair like that, its really beautiful. Mine's poop color, boring brown.

Tori- Tori is amazing! she is sooo wise! She amazes me, how smart she is with people! And she's so deep! I wish i could be more like her, i mean, she always knows what to do and say in friend crisis. I'm such a dork when it comes to helping a friend, getting into fights, knowing when too much is too much, and stuff like that. Like for instance, i laugh at the most wrong things, actually, i laugh at everything, and i cant help it! So it encourages people to do stuff that they shouldn't. But tori is so mature about stuff like that, and she knows when to laugh, and when to not laugh. I need to hang around more with her, maybe she could rub off on me! jk! Thats wishful thinking (and kind of selfish!)

Helena- I think she's a genius! and she doesn't let anything get in the way of what she wants! When she grows up, she'd be the best buisness woman ever! Although i think she said she wanted to be a brain surgeon, lol! she'd rock at that too!

Misha & Ben (Dazey)- They are sick minded basturds! but are good friends! They are tons of fun to hang around with!

Taylor- He's my newest friend! i haven't actually met him in person yet, but i've talked to him on the phone.... kind of, well, i basically IM him and thats it. But we are still TIGHT! lol! not really. but i love him just like i love any of my other friends. He's cool. i wish i could meet him in person.

Chase- Chase is my Guitar Hero II buddy! I can understand why people think she's a lesbian sometimes, but most of the time i cant. She's a good friend of mine and i cant wait to see her again over summer break! I love chase's sense of style too! Other than that, i dont really have much to say about her right now. I dont actually know her that well.


*If i miss anyone, its becuase i haven't finished this entry of my blog*