last year i wouldn't have been embarrased about sharing my fantazies

aaaahhh i love my fantasies about him ;)

if i was to die tomorrow

MY WILL

my heart would go to cole
my laughter to katie
my calm to mally
and my reason/patience to ella.
my respect would be given to mom (along with my selflessness too)
and i would give my open mind to shane.

i dont know what i would do with my love.
should i give it all away piece by piece?
or could i save a little slice for myself, for love is what every being lives for, and i would like some even if i'm dead.
for love does not die.

something actually happened in my life!

cole came over today! it was the first time a guy's been over to my house for a play date, and it was slightely awkward (it wouldnt' have been if i talked more! UGH! i'm so mad at myself!) but i had fun, it was cool. except my sister farted really loud in front of him and then she was trying hard to make me look bad. little bitch! aaah. thats sisters for ya. i wish cole and i could get closer and that i would talk more. i'll have to work on it.

oh god

i'm so pathetic i talk to my cat

i'm not sure if i like that way or not

i'm good at not making any sense at all.

oh! that twisted mind of mine!

i am my sister's personal counselor
i do not tell any why
i'm the one who thinks of ideas that should be done
to help her
and thats what i did
nothing else
(well actually i confess, i've been wanting to do this for a while now)
we both decided it was time
to make voodoo dolls
one for tim
one for lorrie
one for nella
i'm so proud
for i made them myself
twisted and evil they are
but they make us feel better
its better than being mean to him
and less exhausting
i think i'm a natural
they look pretty good
the thing is, mom always knows when we're up to something
she found out & didn't do anything
but laugh and shake her head
mally & i were relieved!
then mom gave me a compliment on my work
i felt good.

i'm not sure what normal is, but i know this isn't it

i love fixing knots and tangles. i dont know why, i just like to untangle big messes. i think its just one of those things i dont consider work.

a damaged soul isn't that far away

how do you feel
when you see her?
a little scared-
a little worried,

dressed in black,
sitting all alone,
the one who silently watches,

a small trace of a smile
you can see
on her face,

but eyes!
eyes full of shattered hopes
and dreams-
that've been long forgotten.

do you get that urge?
that urge to
give her hope?
or do you feel a doubt
that she'll ever find,
what she was ever looking for.

you'll never know
what shes thinking-
she's too complex for that,
but try,

please try anyways.

well this sure makes me feel warm and cozy inside

i was an accident.

i'm positive i was.

i was an "experiment"

well it explains a lot.

day 23 of month november

I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY HE CONFUSES ME SO MUCH! UGH! I'M SO DUMB WHEN IT COMES TO THESE KIND OF THINGS! I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY IN ANY SITUATION (EXCEPT WHEN I'M WITH KATIE AND WE'RE BEING GROSS!)

I HAVE LOTS OF KNOWLEDGE,
BUT I JUST HAVE NONE WHEN IT COMES TO CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM,
HE'S TOO GOOD FOR ME,
I JUST DONT THINK I DESERVE HIM,
BUT HE'S ALL I WANT!

i just seem to confuse myself constantly.



and i still need to think of what i'm going to get cole for a christmas present (besides snickers).

day was tiring
got out of bed 7
went to mall
mally got migraine

flashback

went to jo-anns
i got some mo yarn
went home
did nothing
still doing nothing
just sctrached my head
eyes drooping
is it really only 6:27?
gosh

flashback

i seem to have those a lot lately

oh god its almost december

how'd it come so fast?

COLE!

oh shit i need to clean my roon

why? i know why.

i know exactly why.

why are my hands always so cold?

even in the summer

i was dropped

and i had a deadly fever
when i was just a wee little babe

a wonderful day indeed

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!

someone save me, i wish i was swinging

marissa-jean hannah chandler
marissa-jean hannah
marissa-jean
marissa
missy
me

so many things i wish i could do

i have the urge to silently run barefoot on my tip-toes throughout a never ending hallway. i dont ever want to get tired. i just want to run. never scared, but playfully. escaping.

do you hear it? it's my heart speaking to you!

i love
your chaos,
i love your
calm,
i love it when-
you sit,
right beside me,
i want
to feel
your heart beat
next to mine.

why does this make me mad?

i dont think i'm a big priority. i think i'm very small on that list. screw it.

this shouldn't even have a title

i love the excitement when you start something new. for instance, i've been thinking about my past A LOT lately, and it reminded me of the first time i decided to start this blog. At first i didn't even know what to write, haha i definitely dont have that problem anymore. now that i really think about it i used to be so talkative, but then i started writing and everything i wrote took away things i had to say. it was almost as if i didn't need to talk anymore, and i dont mind it. most of the things in my head are words and sentences no one wants to hear. they're things that i dont even understand.

i love how i can write something and no one will understand what i'm talking about except me. for example:

-i want to, but she wont understand

-he confuses me

-why do i refuse to finish it?


i dont feel like sticking to a topic right now. i just want to be random. whatever pops into my head i'll just type it. i smell like callum's old spice stuff from spraying it all over on the bus. i love pissing off that one guy, he really needs to loosen up, or do i need to tighten up? haha no. i miss tori stewart, why'd she have to go to china? i'll never forget her. and why'd jacob have to turn into an ass hole? i miss him, but i dont want to. i hate him for being such a fuck head. what do i want? i dont even know. cole asked me what i wanna be when i grow up. i had no clue, i only know what i like to do, i dont know what i want to do. the pros and cons are something i dont really want to think about. i just wanna be a kid. do i want affection? confidence? a decent father? its hard to say. i live without something for so long, you just get used to being without it, and then you start to stay away from it and you dont want it anymore. i think its a comfort thing. you're so used to it, that you dont want to ever change. me & misery are like that. i dont want to part with it, but i dont want to be depressed, people ask questions when you dont feel like smiling one day, or you just dont feel like laughing. thats one reason to like the summer. you can hide in your room, not smile, and write. write all you want, it doesn't matter. oh, that reminds me. my journal is almost full. i'll have to buy another one soon. i have to finish my hw. anodyne timid superfluous finite my life is a back up plan, it is the plan when you dont know what else to do. my life is finite. i have my restrictions, i have my rules. i have the dos and donts. what are things i can do? what are things that i can not? so many things pull me back, yet so many push me forward.

why do u do this to me ms. pearson?

ms pearson's class was difficult for me today. i remember all my memories, its just most of them i remember were not quite pleasant. the most vivid memory i have of my family being together is one of the worst memories of my life. i tried hard to fight back tears. but i know my past is bad, others most be worse. especially his/hers, if i was having a hard time i'm positive he/she was. i kept looking over to my side to see how she/he was doing, i'm so bad at reading people.

*sorry for using he/she and his/hers, but i know this person would not want me sharing anything, and a promise is a promise*

i wish she could feel what she will in the future

those who have
not felt pain,
will feel pain later,
life is not
about being happy,
some dont know
how it feels,
to be crushed,
to have their hearts
barely

strung

together

no anodyne can fix that you cant heal

i wish i was a hero,
then i could save this world,
from words and excuses,
without much ado.

weapons & bombs
are dangerous too,
but they're something
you can take back.

fury and anger
make words spill out,
but you cant take back,

what you cant grasp.

its true in every way i can think of at the moment

i always seem to do,

exactly what i'm not
supposed to.

its a habit,

i cant control,
but then again,

whats stopping it?

i'm not.

i've given much thought

i'm spoiled

i am weak

i am everything

that i thought

i wasn't

or is it

just wrong

that i

am comparing

but how do i

not?

i

thought

that life was so hard

only it is

but

not as hard

as hers.

only she will know what i'm talking about

i'll never know what she felt,
when she decided to bleed it out,
i'll never know how she started,
when it all came up,
only she knows,
where she's been
and what she's done,
she'll say to me,
they always say they understand,
but they dont
and she's right
they never will,
some are more fortunate than others,
thats the way it is,
i wish i wasn't,
she mustn't be alone
i want to understand

so many wishes but no actions in sight

i wish i could save her.
i wish i could save her from the world.
when she's most depressed,
i wish her happiness.
i wish her every laugh and smile i've seen.
i wish her love.


i want to save her.

you can probably guess what i'm talking about

was he not
the greatest thing-
that she's ever had?

the one man
she's had a craving,
a wanting-
deep inside?

now he's here
and she's all ears
for what he has to say,
oh!- how smitten is she!

something i just made up

i gave my mother-
her first gray hair,
i said not to worry-
my dearest dear-
its not about
what pigments
shall be-
but wisdom-
and experience
of thee

i had the most bizarre dream last night...

i opened the fridge, and picked up a carton of Newmons Own limade and set it on the counter as if i was going to pour some into my glass. but then all of a sudden cran-grape juice appears in my hand and i pour that into my glass instead!
it was just weird, but i guess i had to expect that considering i had cran-grape juice right before i fell asleep. i just think its funny that my weirdest dreams (that i remember) are always about food!

haha! yay!

I WAS WRONG, COLE DOES LIKE ME!!! AND HE ASKED ME OUT! YAY! I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER!! I'M GOING TO THE MOVIES WITH HIM AND KATIE @ 6:45! I'M SO EXCITED! HE ALREADY GAVE ME A KISS ON THE CHEEK! IT WAS LIKE A HUG-KISS! I WAS SO HAPPY, I HAD THIS GOOFY SMILE ON MY FACE THROUGH-OUT 5TH PERIOD! TORI WAS LIKE, "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?" LOL! IT WAS SO GREAT!!!

:'(

fuck you (blank).

its not near, but not far either

sometimes i feel i cant breath,
i'm held down by fears i've had,
i wonder how they do it, how they are happy,
i want to know, i wanna feel it...

i search, and search,
but it soars farther and farther
a tease that'll always win,
something that wont come around the bend...

its something i cant control,
a feeling indescribable,
almost as if i'm falling...

falling...

falling...

on the brighter side of town..

joe taught me how to make an origami paper crane! i really didn't get it at first, but after looking up the instructions on the internet and making like 5 hundred, i've finally gotten the hang of it! :)

(as u can see i'm trying my very hardest NOT to think of "him". i'm just going to hurt myself even more than i already have if i dont.)

i'm over 100! yay

on a sadder note...

i know he doesn't like me, therefore i'm positive he's not going to ask me out.

i've lived without a boyfriend before, i can do it now. but its not that i want a boyfriend, its that i want cole. oh well. everything happens for a reason right? so i guess whatever doesn't happen, doesn't happen for a reason.

i'll live, i'm fine.

i always am.

just fine.

*sigh*

i finally told my dad how i feel about him.
i looked him straight in the eyes and told him everything.
i did not hold back.
he almost cried
i could see him breaking a little bit inside
u could see it in his eyes.
but he shook it off and acted normal
he acted like i never even said those things.
he's running from his problems when he should be fixing them
that dirty basturd
at least i feel better now

hmmm..

i was thinking a lot earlier, about very deep thoughts. and i was actually making sense to myself. i just wish i could type everything down. and if i even try i'm scared i'll forget something and no one will understand me. then what would the point be? it would be pointless! i just wish i could've shared my deep sensical thoughts with someone. but then again who would i share them with? i would be laughed at by my sisters, katie would call me emo and be bored with me, my mom... uhhh, that would just be weird and she wont understand, she'll just start asking quesions i dont want to answer (same with rhonda), so i guess i'm better off not telling anyone my deep sensitive thoughts... thats pretty sad.

i need a sensitive friend i can talk to in the person.

because unlike what people may think or say about me. i do have a lot to say. thats not my problem. people just dont listen. or better yet, they dont ask.

oh cole

i think he might,
but i dont know,
he said he would,
but he didn't say me,
why wont he?


i wish he would