this shouldn't even have a title

i love the excitement when you start something new. for instance, i've been thinking about my past A LOT lately, and it reminded me of the first time i decided to start this blog. At first i didn't even know what to write, haha i definitely dont have that problem anymore. now that i really think about it i used to be so talkative, but then i started writing and everything i wrote took away things i had to say. it was almost as if i didn't need to talk anymore, and i dont mind it. most of the things in my head are words and sentences no one wants to hear. they're things that i dont even understand.

i love how i can write something and no one will understand what i'm talking about except me. for example:

-i want to, but she wont understand

-he confuses me

-why do i refuse to finish it?


i dont feel like sticking to a topic right now. i just want to be random. whatever pops into my head i'll just type it. i smell like callum's old spice stuff from spraying it all over on the bus. i love pissing off that one guy, he really needs to loosen up, or do i need to tighten up? haha no. i miss tori stewart, why'd she have to go to china? i'll never forget her. and why'd jacob have to turn into an ass hole? i miss him, but i dont want to. i hate him for being such a fuck head. what do i want? i dont even know. cole asked me what i wanna be when i grow up. i had no clue, i only know what i like to do, i dont know what i want to do. the pros and cons are something i dont really want to think about. i just wanna be a kid. do i want affection? confidence? a decent father? its hard to say. i live without something for so long, you just get used to being without it, and then you start to stay away from it and you dont want it anymore. i think its a comfort thing. you're so used to it, that you dont want to ever change. me & misery are like that. i dont want to part with it, but i dont want to be depressed, people ask questions when you dont feel like smiling one day, or you just dont feel like laughing. thats one reason to like the summer. you can hide in your room, not smile, and write. write all you want, it doesn't matter. oh, that reminds me. my journal is almost full. i'll have to buy another one soon. i have to finish my hw. anodyne timid superfluous finite my life is a back up plan, it is the plan when you dont know what else to do. my life is finite. i have my restrictions, i have my rules. i have the dos and donts. what are things i can do? what are things that i can not? so many things pull me back, yet so many push me forward.