chaotic lately

somethings up.


besides mammy leaving grandpa
and renting her own house,

besides me leaving for new york on monday
and being stressed out,

something is definitely up.


i know because mom's upset.
quote, "im not alright." unquote

she's talking to mammy right now
in the laundry room.

she sent us to our rooms so we wouldn't
hear ANYTHING.

thats how i know its something big.

my party.

it was a lot of fun. i just want the people to leave as soon as possible in the morning. im not mean, its just enough is enough, right?

end of trimester.

im so worried about my grades. im terrified. truly terrified. its all because i know that i haven't given my all.


and im a slacker.

again.

i deleted my myspace.

he doesn't listen.

can he hear me? is that the problem or something? do i have an invisible voice? i think he's just dumb in the head. even if he knows i dont love him, he still has to love me. he doesn't have the right to not love me. he just doesn't. and he knows it too. he's bought lorrie a ring too. the wedding will be on the 4th or 8th of august. that week is going to be hectic already with mom's birthday being on the 7th. i dont want to go to his wedding. i could be doing nothing instead (and be happy). but no, i HAVE to go to his stupid wedding. and anyone whould not want to go to his house. its boring as HELL. but since i always back-out he claims michael and amanda think that i dont like them. who fucking cares? its not like i talk to them when im there. i just dont matter or am of any importance there. and i honostly dont want to be either. i dont want to be part of their family. period. everytime i talk to tim i feel like bursting into tears. he exausts my soul and my mind. i cant even talk to him at all because he exausts me THAT much. i might say things that are a bit too presumptuous, or have rebelious antics. but i really am a good person. i prove it if you watch me closely. and people think that i give dirty looks or stare at them. but its really just me not smiling or when i stare, its me soaking up the moment or that persons face into my brain. i want to remember everything and i want to remember people's faces. god i feel sick to my stomach right now. everything i eat is making me feel sick. i dont know why tambíen. im getting better at spanish though. oh shoot. i still have homework. i hate homework, its that it takes a long time or is exceedingly hard, it just means that i have to do something. i dont love doing nothing, im just so addicted. i want to stop being lazy, but its like trying to cease smoking after 20 years. it takes willpower which i just dont have. i think its a hereditary trait. or maybe you earn it? i really dont know. my birthday party WILL be fun. watch me.

my birthday.

i dont want any presents at all. i dont want anyone to give me anything. i just dont want them. i want to give the presents. and thats what im going to do for my birthday. im going to give all my friends and family presents. im not sure what im actually going to do for my birthday party. i was thinking about going to whole foods then going to the movies and then have a sleepover. that'll be fun. i love whole foods. mom thinks i should have my party at the hyatt since tim can get a free stay there. i dont think that will ever happen, because dad promised he would do that like two years ago and he didnt. i dont really care if i go though too. so it makes everything alright. i just want to be happy on my birthday.

oh and i saw the most beautiful rainbow the other day.
(i dont remember if i already posted about it)

i dropped a peach pit.

i deleted my picture blog.

diva is the most amazing cat in the world.

i finally popped my GIGANTIC zit on my chin. and its not that bad right now. not as bad as i thought it would be. straaaaange.... anyways, you know who is driving me INSANE with confusion. and i haven't seen my dad for a month. AND i cant sleep. AND i didn't get to do my homework because i was at katie's house making soup for church!

why would anyone post this? are they dumb?

"Did you know that every night before you go to sleep there is one person of the opposite sex thinking of you. They want to kiss you, they want to be with you, they are always thinking about you, and this is all true and not fake. If you repost this in 5 minutes the person that is longing to be with you will approach you within one month and ask you out or grab you and kiss you. But if you break this chain no one will like you or ask you out again for 5 years!!"


... what a bunch of bull shit.

finally!

im getting a drumset in a few weeks! in time for my birthday! ;D