Tuesday, June 26, 2007
dad's house
Bah! i'm stuck @ dad's house. Nothin to do except sit around and waste valuable time. Dad won't even let me use his good computer, so i have to use the bad one, and it has like NOTHING! i cant even IM! He wont take us shopping on this "beautiful day" but he'll keep us locked up inside his stupid house.....with his dreaded birds....and snake. I hate those stupid parrots, all they do is screech, and that is PAINFUL. and i'm not joking, your ears are always ringing in that house....from those damn birds! Some day my dad is gonna come home to find that his birds are dead, and he'll know who to blame. I dont even hide it that i hate 'em. I swear, he likes his parrots more than he likes his own kids. Thats all he cares about really, he even has this baby voice when he talks to them. sickening, i know. Dad even buys food that we love, and says, "this is for the birds, you cant eat all of it!" And so i'm like, "screw you" and eat them anyways. I always have a fucking headache @ his house, and there's no escaping from that horrid sqrawking and screeching! The house is so small, you hear those parrots from even the room thats farthest away. It seems like every 3-4 weeks i do see him, he's added another "member" to the "family". At this rate he'll have 6 by the end of the summer. And what's the deal with the snake? I walk into my room, and i'm like, "wtf?", there's a freaking snake on the floor of my room (in a cage of course). Then my dad's like "surprise!" and he's all excited. I kind of looked at him for a while, and then just left the room, lets just say i wasn't thrilled. My sisters were though, they love it when dad gets all these new pets. They're so stupid sometimes. They should remember what always happens, what's happened in the past. Dad brings home this new pet, we get excited, we learn to love it, and then he has to give it away, because he says he can't handle a pet right now. Wtf is wrong with him? He's always gone, he's never home..at all. He doesn't even have enough time for his own children, so he's not going to have enough time for any pets. He shouldn't be getting all of these pets and stuff, he knows better. I've gotten used to it, i've learned to adapt to his fucked up life, and to never get my hopes up with him. He has never kept a promise. I cant tell you how many times he's gotten me all excited over something, but let me down. And now he's doing the same damn thing to my sisters. I just can't believe they go for it. i just cant. Why is he such a fucked up lier? Why does he lie over everything? I'm so fucking pissed right now, i'm so sick of this. I'm so glad i have a good mother to make up for this mother fucker of a dad. Fuck him and his fucking life. He only thinks about himself, and always has.
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6 comments:
Before you read this:
some of its super confusing. and you dont have to take some of the advice, cause it will probly make you angry, and you will probly think i dont understand. i cant understand, but i can try to understand your situation. =) i try try try try to help. please dont think i am prying!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my gosh I feel soooo bad for you! =( It sounds really horrible to have a dad like that.
I used to feel like that about my mom's parents. They totally screwed up their kids lives.
When my grandma was married to my grandpa, he cheated on her and had sex with another woman. They already had one kid, my uncle, Scott. My grandma was probably pissed, I am surprised she didn't divorce him right away. Then the lady that he slept with abandoned the baby, and my dad was forced to keep him. You can probably imagine what effect that had on my grandma and my uncle Scott. My grandma hated the kid, Greg, and she never EVER accepted him as her son. Scott didn't treat him like a brother, either. Then my mom was born. She was my grandpa's favorite, and he always loved her a lot more than everyone else. Greg and Scott were totally jealous of her, and they mistreated her because of it. In return my mom hated them back. Then my aunt Brandy was born.
My grandma left the house then. She came back every day, but only at night. My mom pretty much raised my aunt, because they were 11 years apart. My mom really hated my grandma for that. Nevertheless, my mom raised Brandy well. But now Brandy had no mother and a father who didn't like her.
None of the people in my mother's family liked each other. My mom hated her mom. My aunt Brandy hated her mom and her dad. My uncle Scott hated his dad. My uncle Greg hated his step-mom (my grandma). And both parents hated all four kids. Except my grandpa liked my mom.
They were HORRIBLE parents. HORRIBLE. I would run away from home if I had parent's like them.
But there is a lesson to be learned from all of this.
The choices you make now will affect the rest of your life. All four kids pretty much hated their parents. BUT, it is the choices of how they responded to that hatred that changed their lives.
My aunt Brandy chose to respond to hatred with hatred. When she was old enough, she moved away from home. She married a fucking retard named Bill. He got her pregnant and then ran away from her before she even had the baby. She raised him horribly, and now he is kind of messed up. She remarried to a guy who has two kids of his own. The one boy that he has is really really nice. He had a good effect on the son of Bill and Brandy. But, the daughter of the guy is HORRIBLE . She swears and abuses people and drinks and goes out with guys almost twice her age. She is the same age as you and me. Brandy can't help her. You see, it is the choices that you make now that will affect you entire life.
My uncle Scott chose not to respond to his hatred. He didn't run away, but he didn't love his parents. He now has two kids and a nice wife, but he has no heart. He drinks and doesn't set a good example for his children, and now they are totally messed up. They don't know HOW to respond to their dad. Their mom is their romodel. That poor woman doesn't have it in her to divorce her husband, but she still raises the kids and guides them along the right path. And not Scott has no path to turn to when he is older, he has nowhere to go if he is divorced, and he has no famly that loves him. You see, it is the choices you make now that will affect your entire life.
My uncle Greg...I don't know what to say about him. He drew away from the world in response to his hatred. He separated himself from life, and now he is a hermit. He just recently, after almost 30 years, came out of his home and began living again. He found a wife and is living ok. The problem is, there is still separation between him and his family. His step mother still hates him, and his dad still regrets having him. Greg has no life. You see, it is the choices that you make now that will affect your entire life.
My mom chose to react with understanding. You may think, how can you repond to hatred with understanding. Well, instead of running away you completely cutting herself off from her family, she chose to put herself in her parents shoes. YOu can imagine I'm sure how hard that would be. Instead she found that she needed to act loving towards her parents. It is not worth it to lose your family. They are all you have. Now both of her parents love her too, and she loves them, just because of the way she reacted to her life. Imagine the effect this has on me and my sibs. I am soooo happy that she didn't react in the same way that my aunt and uncles did. I might not even be here today if she hadn't reacted in the right way.
I'm not telling you to all of a sudden warm up to your dad and love him like never before. I'm not telling you that you should forgive him for the way he acts towards you. I'm not telling you not to eat parrot food (lol jk...). But I am telling you to at least try to understand why he acts the way he does.
I'm also not telling oyu to "cut him some slack". That is the last thing he needs. He needs to understand you too! Its not all about what you have to sacrifice. He needs to step up and be a good parent.
Try talking to your dad. That is an EXTREMELY hard thing to do. But it is totally worth it in the end if he chooses the right thing.
Try try try try try. You can only learn things in life by trying them yourself. I hated HATED my grandparents when I found out waht horrible people they used to be. I tried, though, to understand how to react. My mom helped me with that. Her story encourages me even now while I feel rather angry towards them again.
Also, its okay forlife to be unfair. Its ok to be pissed and its ok to react. Its just HOW you react that makes a difference. =)
omg tori! That is chaos! and you are so right! You always are! And i definitely dont think you're prying! Even if i'm mad at my dad a lot, i try my best to be nice to him, its hard though. I used to be mean and show hatred, but i realized that wasn't the way i wanted to be. So i am better than i used to be, but i know i should talk to him about how i feel about everything more, and ur right, it is hard, its really hard. I have tried before, but it seemed like he didn't listen at first, and it took a lot of work to put more sense into him. He is better now, and i think it was because my sisters and i have talked to him for different reasons, i think i should probably do it again. I dont want to be mad at him tori, i want to be a good daughter and i want to like him all the time, like how a daughter should love her father. and i say this with tears in my eyes. but its so hard! And i try to forget the things he's done to my mom, but i just cant. and it hurts. it hurts my heart. And you are so right tori, how actions make the difference. and i'm going to try to clean up my act! I will try! i love you tori *hug*
and of course ur advice wont make me angry! thats silly! lol!
Its also good to talk about it with people you can trust...don't wait for so long that you have to post it on a blog. You have friends you will talk to ya ;) I LOVE YOU MARISSA!!!!
Its a really hard burden to bear when you have bad memories left from the past. I don't know what your dad did to your mom, and its totally not my business. But, you shouldn't have to bear the responsibility for his actions. Thats extremely hard!! Especially when you don't want to remember it at all. Sometimes it seems like everything would be way better if you were just dead, or gone, or not related to the mess that is happening. It also sometimes seems like its your fault. IT ISN'T. You aren't responsible for whatever happened, so you don't have to bear the burden of those memories.
I'm sure that you have sometimes felt like you need to be strong for your family. Your sisters look up to you, like we have discussed before, so naturally you would need to be a good example for them. Your mom would also need your support, because she no longer has a husband to help take care of the little ones. Your dad also needs your support, because he needs to know that his family hasn't completely given up on him.
That is a ton of responsibility, Marissa. A TON. Sometimes people can give a little to you, though. Don't forget that they are your family. Your dad doesn't want you to be miserable. The problem is, I think, is that he doesn't realize that he is making you miserable. Its such a common mistake, yet on a larger (much larger) scale.
You don't have to love him all the time. Thats really important. Sometimes it takes a huge amount of anger and frustration to finally bring someone around. My older brother believed a rumor about me for a HUGE amount of time....I finally had to punch the truth into him (...literally...not figuratively lol) before he believed me.
I seriously cannot relate to your situation. I can't honestly tell you I have been through anything that is like what you are going through. But I can tell you that if you need to or WANT to tell me about it, then I am totally here. Its not fair for you to carry such a heavy burden. Especially when you didn't create that burden for yourself.
(now I bet I confused you cause last time I told you to love him now I am telling you to get mad at him....haha. Its ok...itll make sense someday...I hope..hehe.)
wow i don't think i can leave such a long comment lol!!! but marissa i'm so sorry... u can call me sometime if u want 2 talk!! i'll email u my #
ily!!
Thank you guys so much! I'm so lucky to have friends like you! I love you! And i showed my mom the comment on my blog because she was wondering about what sort of stuff i write on my blog, and she said the same things as you did Tori! She told me that i have to talk to him about what i feel, and she said that i should just show him what i wrote in my blog. Because she said that what i wrote was nothing i wouldn't say to his face, and yeah, i guess she's right. So i'm kind of debating in my head if i should just show him my entry in my blog, talk to him, or email him. I know which one i should really do (talk to him) but that one's the hardest, and sometimes i have all of these thoughts about things, but when its time to get them out, i dont even know where to begin and i have nothing to say. So i'll have to think about what to say to him. And i also dont know when i'll see him next, so i hope i dont forget to talk to him!
Thank you guys again! I LOVE EVERYONE!!!! :)
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