Einstein vs. Leota

I found out that i'm going to Einstein next year instead of Leota. I dont want to go to Einstein but i have no choice about the matter. Although i'm curious what it would be like at a new school, and i kind of want to go to see what it would be like, but i mostly want to stay at Leota, where i know everyone, and where all my friends are at (well not all of my friends, but most of them). So, my heart is kind of torn in 2. Im going to miss my friends SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO intensely bad. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like without them. I just hope we stay tight like peas and carrots, and still see each other once and a while! Maybe hangin around downtown, and goin to the movies?
I just want to say, I LOVE EVERYONE SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

depressing

I had this long talk with my mom today, and we were talking about my dad, and i found out a bunch of stuff that i had never known about before. It was stuff i'm glad i know now, but i'm not exactly thrilled about.
The thing that most bugs me is my dad was going to break up with my mom [before they married] and leave her with his baby daughter (me)to move to hawaii. It turns out my mom made sure they got married and she moved to hawaii with him (with me of course). it amazes me she actually married him after him wanting to leave her and his baby.
I just cant believe he would leave my mom with his baby like that, thats HIS child too. You can imagine how special i felt when i found that out today. He never fails to make me feel like shit. I lost so much respect for him when my mom told me that (but then again, i didn't respect him before i knew either, so it doesn't really matter).
Another thing i was informed of was about his whidbey island property. You see, he bought this property before he met my mom, and when they got married he made my mom give the payments for every month or whatever. But then my mom refused to keep paying the payment, it was his deal and he's the one who should be paying for it, but then he just ignored the whole thing and wouldn't pay the bills for it! So now these people have this lawyer and are going after my MOM because my dad doesn't have any money and they didn't get anything from him. now my mom has to deal with all of that and she said its possible they'll try and take our house. (personally, i dont think it'll actually happen, but i just think the whole thing is just plain wrong.
And today my dad got another dog. hurray. (sarcasm) Its another animal my sisters will grow attached to that he'll get rid of eventually. just give him a month or two, i know him too well. It hurts me to know that he's just going to hurt them again and again. I just dont know what he's thinking.
THere was so much i found out today, i'm kind of overwhelmed, i didn't type all of it, i just dont feel like it right now.

proof!

I sometimes feel like a shitty sister, but i found some proof today, that i can actually be a caring, kind, and considerate person to my sisters lol! Now whenever they're complaining about me not playing dolls with them or something, i can pull out that picture and say, "You have to remember all of the times i've held ur hand in PUBLIC and played with you before, so you cant complain to me!" hahahah! I think i'm actually kind of glad now that my mom caught me in the act (when i wasn't looking of course), but i wasn't when it actually happened. (and then of course she had to make me be even more nice to them so she could take more pictures, she was totally pushing it, and so i was starting to get irritated, but that only shows in the other picture)

high school musical

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY GET OBSESSED/LIKE WITH GREAT INTENSITY THAT STUPIDO MOVIE!!!!!! I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE CHEESEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT I WATCHED IT ANYWAYS.

deja vu

I was thinking earlier, and just randomly i started thinking about deja vu and remembering all of the random times i've gotten it. Deja vu seems odd to me, and i dont quite understand it. I think it's just when you come across something that triggers a memory that you've long forgotten. I used to get Deja vu a ton, like for instance, i would start doing something, and then out of the blue i would get a flash back of when i did the very same thing years ago when i was little! Or i'll visit this place, but then i'll get this funny feeling, and i'll think, "wait, i think i've been here before..." But the truth is, i haven't been there before in my whole life. It kind of scares me.
And you know those weird feelings you get sometimes with people you meet? Sometimes you just get these really bad vibes off of someone, and you just want to run away. i think its your conscience that warns you about people. Once and a while i'll meet this new person, and my gut will start to feel sick, and i really dont want to be around them. I cant tell you why, but i will just get this weird feeling that they are no good. I'm not sure if that would be kind-of like deja vu? or maybe it is my conscience telling me who i should stay away from?
I honestly dont know.

my parkwood friends!

I tried uploading pics on my blog for the first time! This is exciting!
About the pic: Its all the way from December! My bff katie's b-day party! I love her parties because i always get to see my friends from Parkwood Elementary! All the way from 3rd grade and down! *Sigh* Good times! Although most of the girls became my friends when i got older! lol! Silly, how that works!
Katie's on the far left, next to her is Liz, in the middle is Lena, next to Lena is Abbie, and then there's me! lol!

old times

Do u remember the old days when you were a little kid? I think about them a lot, i probably shouldn't. I always seem to think about the past, and i should think more about the present and the now.

I miss the old days when i was little, everything was so simple and nice! I always did what i was told and i hardly ever got myself into trouble. But i just had to grow up, and now my life is so complicated and chaotic! lol! I think i changed a lot, although now i think about it, i think those changes were good. i used to be so self conscious when i was in 3rd/4th grade, i wouldn't even take my jacket off ever, because i thought i was fat. I never ever talked (ever!), so maybe thats why i never got in trouble, i was so freakin' shy, i never spoke my mind! And i dont even remember having that much friends! geez!

Maybe i dont miss being a little kid after all....

my room

omigosh! i feel so organized and free and so independent! I FINALLY HAVE MY OWN ROOM!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! I used to have this bunkbed that i shared with mally, but a couple days ago my mom and her bf seperated it, so now its just two single beds! My room looks so big now, without that huge bunk-bed! I'm so excited! I can now do anything i want with my room, and there's no 11 year old girl to yell at me for it! And my mom moved this desk into my room too, so now i have a desk! YES! life is good for me!

(i also cleaned my room & made my bed for the first time for like a year, so now i feel so clean! it feels great! lol!)

untitled poem! yay!

A broken promise,
Another lie,
One more secret,
For me to hide,
No one should live like this,
Not even I,
No mistake I make,
Should be big enough,
For a ruined life

my story/poem

I soar up in the air,
I feel the rush through my hair,
I never want to come back down,
I change my mind when i hear that sound,
The sound of alarm coming through the speakers,
Now the rush in my hair doesn't feel good,
And my blood turns cold,
How could this happen to me?
I'm falling, falling, falling,
Down from the night sky,
I close my eyes,
Is this finally the end,
The end of my wonderous life?
Once I land on that horrid concrete,
I'm not yet dead,
but almost there,
I'm clinging to my life as hard as i can,
People surround my bleeding body,
"She's not going to make it" I hear them say,
I wish i could prove them wrong,
Ambulance sirens go off in the distance,
Everything's turning into a confusing blur,
And the pain through-out my body is becoming too much to bear,
I suddenly feel myself being picked up,
A perimedic is taking me to the hospital,
Although i know what we are both thinking,
There isn't much hope of me staying alive,
I know it's my time to go,
I dont have the strength to live any longer,
I just wish I could've had more time,
At least enough to say my good-bye's,
But there isn't much i can do anymore,
The light is finally leaving my eyes,
My last words were, "i love you",
which i managed to whisper through my bloody lips,
I try to forget the pain,
I know its time for me to leave,
I close my eyes,
And i finally let go

sorry everyone!

I'm so sorry about my previous entry, u know the screw it one? I was in a poopy mood, and i felt very... well i actually dont know how to explain it, but i think i was depressed! i couldn't stop crying, and i felt like i was alone, and...
wait a second! you dont wanna hear all of this! Its old news! I'm not gonna bring up badness! I just wanted to say, i'm sorry for my poopy attitude! i hope everyone will understand! I LOVE U GUYS!

lake forest park

OMIGOSH! i had this intense day a couple days ago! It was pretty great! i was in lake forest park, and there was this beach! lol! i was with my friend katie, my family, and my mom's friend's family. It actually was kind of boring, but some exciting things happened! So i'll just list them! lol!
-lol! katie and I played on this big toy! i felt like such a little kid! It was pretty intense!
-And then Katie and I played with this random little girl (she was like 4), i named her Dot Green, but her real name was Chloe (but she will always be Dot in my heart! lol!) We made sandcastles with her, and we blew bubbles with her too! She was the cutest little thing ever! I had to take a pic of her on my phone, although i was sneaky about it because i didnt want her mom to catch this random girl taking pics of her daughter, so it doesn't show her face. :(
-I asked this other little girl who was at the beach to help me [and katie] make a sand castle and she looked at me and then ran away to her mom. BTW once she was with her mom, i could see her pointing at me and like totally telling on me to her mom! lol! It was hilarious!
-Dot's little sister (who was about 3 years old) wore her bathing suit top backwards, so you could see her nipples! lol!
-When Katie and I were sitting listening to music on the dock, these guys started talking to us, and one of 'em came over and sat next to us! lol! It was so random! lol!
-i ate a hotdog for dinner, and i hadn't had a hotdog for like years, and to be honest, i didn't miss much.

So, thats pretty much the highlights of that adventure!

screw it

I think i might delete this blog and make a new one, one where no one can read my thoughts, and read all the terrible things i've done. Cause my thoughts are getting too tangled and deep to show everyone. And the cabre things i've done are too horrible to share to my friends. I did tell someone though, and i actually thought i could trust him with telling him what happened, because i thought he was my friend. Shouldn't you know the difference between something you share to the world, and something you just dont? Do you really have that low of respect for my feelings? I trusted you, and then you just wander off and tell everyone what i did. Why dont you just scream to the whole world, "MARISSA'S A FUCKING SLUT!!!" that would be less painful. And i dont even care if you think i'm over reacting. I just dont really care anymore. At least i know to learn from my mistakes, and i definitely wont make that mistake again. And now i wont ever tell him anything personal. i know now who i should really trust, and who is really someone i can talk to knowing they wont tell the world what i said.
i think i just need a break from everything, and just relax. i want to loose all contact to everyone from this messed-up world. i just want to leave. This is just too much for me right now.

I'm very upset right now. I usually run on my treadmil everyday (weekdays) for 20 or 30 minutes, and so i had a little "vacation" with my family, and i didn't run on the treadmil for like 3 days, and so now i feel so gross and fat. And i gained 2 pounds over that time, in just 3 days! This is insane.
I'm also scared that i'm finally at that stage of puberty where i have to really watch what i eat and work out more. My hips are getting way bigger than what they used to be. Almost none of my jeans or khakis fit me any more. Its kind of depressing and its putting me in a bad mood. I know i should just probably go back to my normal schedule of working out and stuff, but i'm still feeling poopy about it. I should really just forget about it and shake it off, its just hard though. Especially if i feel like eating (pigging out) more when i'm feeling fat. It kind of doesn't make any sense but when i feel good about myself i dont want to eat as much as when i feel poopy about myself. I'm too confusing for my own good.

a poem!

I made another poem, and i wrote it while i was sitting on the laundry dryer in my underwear listening to music while txting taylor. So it kind of...umm...doesn't make any sense. But i like it anyways, it reminds me of a story! But sometimes poems are stories, so yeah i guess its a story poem! lol!
I'm also not sure if i should put it on my other blog either...hmm... i think i will!
Anways, here it is (and it doesn't have a name, i couldn't think of one):

Outside is sunny,
Nice and bright,
The sky is clear,
Not a cloud in sight,

I thought of you,
And wondered,
What it would be like,
If you were here too,

But i know in my heart,
This isn't where you belong,
I just sometimes wish,
You were here all along,

I sometimes see you,
Walking beside that old trail,
Although i know,
Its just me remembering,

You're gone,
And that's the truth,
Its hard for me though,
I can't ever forget,

You're in my heart forever,
You wont ever go,
I cant wait til i see you,
Once I enter the blue.

I think i thought of a name for it! I could call it Memory, or i could call it Heaven. Wait, i still dont know.. DANG IT! lol!

blog website!

Sorry, i forgot to tell where my other blog is! oops! lol! Ok, here it is...
http://www.xanga.com/radicallysweet94!!!!!! yay!

new blog

I made another blog! Its on xanga! I did it so i could still contact Tori when she's in China! And if you haven't read tori's blog...she cant go on blogspot in China! :( So i'm gonna try my best to update on both blogs, Although i think its gonna be hard to know what to write on which one! I could just write the same thing on each one too, that way Tori can get an idea whats going on and i can still have posts on this blog. But i'm still so excited i have 2 blogs now! This is going to be so intense! Have a good day everyone! ;)
OMIGOD THE WEATHER IS SO NICE OUTSIDE! WHY AM I ON THE COMPUTER????
i should enjoy the nice sunshine in the backyard! (wow that was random, sorry!)