Friday, February 29, 2008
you know that movie saved?
i dont know why i feel the way i do.
im dreading its because my crush is growing stronger. i cant let that happen. why do i have crushes on the least compatible people? is it because they're the least like my dad? i think it is.
shit.
im dreading its because my crush is growing stronger. i cant let that happen. why do i have crushes on the least compatible people? is it because they're the least like my dad? i think it is.
shit.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
dedicated to majesta
WHERE HAVE YOU GONE? YOU HAVEN'T UPDATED YOUR BLOG SINCE NOVEMBER!!! YOU'VE LEFT ME ALL ALONE!!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
in too deep
i need to wake up fast.
why do i want him?
he smokes fucking pot.
he doesn't care about me.
why do i him?
i need to get out of here.
meet new people.
im longing for a new place,
new surroundings,
new faces.
im feeling trapped.
why do i want him?
he smokes fucking pot.
he doesn't care about me.
why do i him?
i need to get out of here.
meet new people.
im longing for a new place,
new surroundings,
new faces.
im feeling trapped.
Monday, February 25, 2008
how does that work?
i dont understand how/why callum is dating megan. who in their right mind would want to date megan? she's such a complete poop head. well not to her friends, but she doesn't let anyone else try and be her friend. she acts like im the scum of the earth, and she cant bear to live on the same planet with me. and callum is this mostly quiet, sensitive, calm, cute, boy, who's totally not her. (and yes i know this is none of my business, but i cant help but notice!!!)
those of you who are megan's friend might be thinking, "you're just jealous of her", but to be completely honest, i seriously am NOT. Yeah, she's really smart, but im smart too (in ways), and she acts like she knows everything in the whole world. and she looks like she's a 6th grader, so im not jealous of her looks. she doesn't have fashion sense that i like, so im not jealous of that. i dont have a crush on callum, so im not jealous in that way. and im not jealous of her friends either. and trust me, i've tried super hard thinking of the reasons why i dislike her so much, and i've concluded why.
she's a bitch.
those of you who are megan's friend might be thinking, "you're just jealous of her", but to be completely honest, i seriously am NOT. Yeah, she's really smart, but im smart too (in ways), and she acts like she knows everything in the whole world. and she looks like she's a 6th grader, so im not jealous of her looks. she doesn't have fashion sense that i like, so im not jealous of that. i dont have a crush on callum, so im not jealous in that way. and im not jealous of her friends either. and trust me, i've tried super hard thinking of the reasons why i dislike her so much, and i've concluded why.
she's a bitch.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
im pretty much a psycho
i dont really like hanging around with her, or even talking to her. but she's so darn cute, you cant help but want to be her friend.
i think of her as my little adopted asian sister.
i think of her as my little adopted asian sister.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
i wish i thought it over more.
because back-up plans really are an essential, and i didn't even make one. i instantly thought they would just accept me and my life would work out perfectly, you know? but it didn't work out that way and i got rejected. now what am i going to do? i have no clue whatsoever what school i want to go to now. all i know is i cant go to woodinville high school, and i am NOT going to shorewood or shorecrest, no matter what my friends say. i just dont want to go. i like branching out, and its easier to go to school and concentrate when you're a loner. its just easier.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
written by elizabeth chandler
the princess jack - revised a little bit by marissa chandler
once there was a princess named jack. she loved her life until a chicken came. the chicken said, "you are weird and i wish i never layed eyes on you." when she heard that, the chicken went inside and the kingdom kicked jack out. Jack kbecame a queen at her own new palace and everybody loved her and not the other palace she came from. Jack met a man she loved him but he didn't like her. The man broke her heart so her heart started beeping. then she climbed a ladder and fell down it. she broke her arm. then she saw an earthquake and jumped in and fell down and got very sick. then when she was better she met a man named owen and fell in love and got married. one night she saw a boy in a tree so she yelled, "help the boy is scary". one day a green purple house was in the middle of the road so she went in it and some girls said, "yah yah princess jack is here." a chinese girl said, "i like her she nie she nie she good." then a big boy said i like that chinese girl so dont make fun of her. jack said, "i wont, but can i laugh at her?" the big boy said if it really is funny. then there was a man with a pan and he made stinky eggs. and so the princess went in the bathroom and saw penguins in the bathtub. then the penguins stinked the bathroom up so she went in the egg man's room and started crying. because she liked crying.
THE END.
once there was a princess named jack. she loved her life until a chicken came. the chicken said, "you are weird and i wish i never layed eyes on you." when she heard that, the chicken went inside and the kingdom kicked jack out. Jack kbecame a queen at her own new palace and everybody loved her and not the other palace she came from. Jack met a man she loved him but he didn't like her. The man broke her heart so her heart started beeping. then she climbed a ladder and fell down it. she broke her arm. then she saw an earthquake and jumped in and fell down and got very sick. then when she was better she met a man named owen and fell in love and got married. one night she saw a boy in a tree so she yelled, "help the boy is scary". one day a green purple house was in the middle of the road so she went in it and some girls said, "yah yah princess jack is here." a chinese girl said, "i like her she nie she nie she good." then a big boy said i like that chinese girl so dont make fun of her. jack said, "i wont, but can i laugh at her?" the big boy said if it really is funny. then there was a man with a pan and he made stinky eggs. and so the princess went in the bathroom and saw penguins in the bathtub. then the penguins stinked the bathroom up so she went in the egg man's room and started crying. because she liked crying.
THE END.
Friday, February 15, 2008
flashback
background: me and kate sitting in bus seat 5 infront of michael on the way home from school.
kate: (turns around) what the fuck are you doing michael?
michael: (laughing) what?
me: (smiling while turning my body to face them) what happened?
kate: he was just smelling you!
michael: (laughing)
kate: (smiling) freak!
me: (embarrased/shocked & laughing out loud) oh michael...
kate: (turns around) what the fuck are you doing michael?
michael: (laughing) what?
me: (smiling while turning my body to face them) what happened?
kate: he was just smelling you!
michael: (laughing)
kate: (smiling) freak!
me: (embarrased/shocked & laughing out loud) oh michael...
Thursday, February 14, 2008
feels good.
i've finally started my autobiography. hopefully i'll finish it.
& he's confusing me. really confusing me. i wish he was more clear.
& he's confusing me. really confusing me. i wish he was more clear.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Sunday, February 10, 2008
i feel hope, pride, and loneliness
guess who kept the note i wrote them on their youtube channel? BLACKSTONE! i always miss that little bitch. i really did love him. oh well, if you want to see for yourself, the proof is here: http://www.youtube.com/user/blackstone012. he'll never know how helpless/sick/happy/rejoiceful/frustrated/drained/hopeful he makes me feel.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
where to start?
1. my family
2. my ability to be quiet
3. a sturdy enough house
4. Diva & Grace
5. my friends
6. running water
7. money to buy food
8. firefighters
9. kind and helpful doctors/nurses
10. my heart
2. my ability to be quiet
3. a sturdy enough house
4. Diva & Grace
5. my friends
6. running water
7. money to buy food
8. firefighters
9. kind and helpful doctors/nurses
10. my heart
Friday, February 8, 2008
it doesn't feel like friday.
the title always ruins the poem and makes you think its about something totally different than what it really is. People expect the title to explain the poem, but i hate titles and so they're usually random (the ones i make). But then again i hate it when poems are called "untitled" because that ruins it also. I'll just stick to what i do. (its easier.)
btw katie came over today and we played lego star wars on ps2. now mally's hogging it (but she's playing sims).
btw katie came over today and we played lego star wars on ps2. now mally's hogging it (but she's playing sims).
is it true what they say?
imprisoned in a box,
i cant find my way out,
looking for someone,
presumptuous enough
enough for me,
to be who i want,
tenacious, and clashing
against society,
thoughts race
inside my confused head,
not wanting,
but patiently waiting...
i cant find my way out,
looking for someone,
presumptuous enough
enough for me,
to be who i want,
tenacious, and clashing
against society,
thoughts race
inside my confused head,
not wanting,
but patiently waiting...
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
street 162
chocolate chips,
& salty tears,
running away,
like i knew you
would, dear,
lake michigan,
playing on my stereo,
calms me up,
when i know
this is down,
picking at scabs,
re-reading books,
to make eye-contact
with my walls,
is what i do
to get over you.
& salty tears,
running away,
like i knew you
would, dear,
lake michigan,
playing on my stereo,
calms me up,
when i know
this is down,
picking at scabs,
re-reading books,
to make eye-contact
with my walls,
is what i do
to get over you.
Friday, February 1, 2008
caught in a train
why do i have to be this way?
i'm starting to like dylan just because im getting that feeling i want to help him, you know? i wish i could save him. i want to. but i know deep inside that i cant. it makes me feel sad that i could help him but its not my place to so i would never try. i even wish he would just notice me and i would be more than "white and nerdy" to him [for thats what he calls me]. It does seem that he does try occasionally in his school work, but then again he actually snorted coke on the bus for the first time this week. Im not sure if that means he's getting worse. i do believe he is a good person beyond the "trying to be cool" or whatever he would call it. I always seem to think that i "like" people but it turns out i just want to be part of their life, i want them. and then my feelings will pass as if they were some front traveling to a new area. i dont know what to make of what i feel anymore. my dreams aren't exactly helping. i dont dream of dylan anymore, but lately i have dreamt of david ball. odd i know, but thats not even covering it. i had a dream that i was in this star wars like background and he and i along with others were in this boot camp preparing us for the war. It was just so bizarre and then we started having an affair. i dont like david in that way at all. i just have these dreams that are so missleading. david is kinda nice, he's mostly just funny and immature. he's not nice to me, but i know he's nice to amber. it seems everyone is nice to amber, she's so easy to get along with, and if she's not to someone, they know not to mess. ok, i think i've finally talked myself to reality about dylan. but still, he makes me wonder, i want to know whats real and whats not about him. you know how in movies the dorks/nerds are always super cute but just are classified as nerds? i hate that. well i dont HATE it, i just feel disappointed. why do i feel disappointed? maybe because i wish that nerds really like that, that they were super cute, extremely smart [at genius level], and nice to me, but weren't too nice. i loose interest with too nice it seems. like cole. i lost interest, because i felt frustrated. but i had no clue to tell him because it wasn't anything he could control, and if he tried to control it, then it just wouldn't be him and then it just wouldn't be the same. no, it most definitely wouldn't. im caught in a train of thought. this train of thought is taking me where ever it wants to go. but not always necessarily where I want to go. at least i know why its controling me. because i dont know where i want to go with anything. i'll think of what i COULD act like and what i COULD wear and what i COULD be but i never know what i want. if someone asked me, what do you want? my brain would freeze and i would instantly think of what i preferred i had at the moment. but thats not the same! its not the same at all! wanting is more of a passionate thing than just preferring you had something at the time. i wish there were different words for different wants. although it would still be miss-used anyhow. at least those who REALY thought about it everytime they talked would be accurate. i know that even if i made up the words and differen't levels of wants i wouldn't even use it accurately. because when you really prefer you had something at a now point of time you dont think of anything besides what you want. example: if my stomach was growling during english class because i was hungry i would only think of my embarrasment and therefore i would think that i was wanting something to eat, but really i was just preferring i was able to eat in class and that i had food available with me. i never really thought about it before but i think im right. i dont think im wasting my time when i blog and just write about whatever. some people think that i do but i know i dont. because i dont need a topic or a prompt to just write, is that another reason why i hate ms. pearson's class? it could be. there are so many reasons i dont think i should even think about that right now. i dont want negative energy bothering my freewriting. freewriting ahhhh a beautiful word, it just sounds so relaxing and well, just so free. that reminds me, i wrote a lot more poems yesterday when i didn't feel well. i hadn't wrote a poem in a long time but they just seemed to come to me. poems are also very relaxing, but only at the right moment i think. oh shoot, my hands are getting tired from typing and its 4:02! i have to do my homework! i honestly dont want to start my homework since its friday, but just because its friday doesn't mean its any special day for me so i guess its fitting to finish my assigned homework. last friday i was so focused i got all my homework done, did laundry, made a TON of cookies, cleaned the kitchen, and picked up around the house. thats what i call having no life but being focused at the same time and not having anything to do with yourself because you dont feel like doing anything and you feel incomplete with yourself but mom says its just because you dont do anything sports wise and you know she's right but you still feel the same and you also are so non social so thats part of your problem too.
i'm starting to like dylan just because im getting that feeling i want to help him, you know? i wish i could save him. i want to. but i know deep inside that i cant. it makes me feel sad that i could help him but its not my place to so i would never try. i even wish he would just notice me and i would be more than "white and nerdy" to him [for thats what he calls me]. It does seem that he does try occasionally in his school work, but then again he actually snorted coke on the bus for the first time this week. Im not sure if that means he's getting worse. i do believe he is a good person beyond the "trying to be cool" or whatever he would call it. I always seem to think that i "like" people but it turns out i just want to be part of their life, i want them. and then my feelings will pass as if they were some front traveling to a new area. i dont know what to make of what i feel anymore. my dreams aren't exactly helping. i dont dream of dylan anymore, but lately i have dreamt of david ball. odd i know, but thats not even covering it. i had a dream that i was in this star wars like background and he and i along with others were in this boot camp preparing us for the war. It was just so bizarre and then we started having an affair. i dont like david in that way at all. i just have these dreams that are so missleading. david is kinda nice, he's mostly just funny and immature. he's not nice to me, but i know he's nice to amber. it seems everyone is nice to amber, she's so easy to get along with, and if she's not to someone, they know not to mess. ok, i think i've finally talked myself to reality about dylan. but still, he makes me wonder, i want to know whats real and whats not about him. you know how in movies the dorks/nerds are always super cute but just are classified as nerds? i hate that. well i dont HATE it, i just feel disappointed. why do i feel disappointed? maybe because i wish that nerds really like that, that they were super cute, extremely smart [at genius level], and nice to me, but weren't too nice. i loose interest with too nice it seems. like cole. i lost interest, because i felt frustrated. but i had no clue to tell him because it wasn't anything he could control, and if he tried to control it, then it just wouldn't be him and then it just wouldn't be the same. no, it most definitely wouldn't. im caught in a train of thought. this train of thought is taking me where ever it wants to go. but not always necessarily where I want to go. at least i know why its controling me. because i dont know where i want to go with anything. i'll think of what i COULD act like and what i COULD wear and what i COULD be but i never know what i want. if someone asked me, what do you want? my brain would freeze and i would instantly think of what i preferred i had at the moment. but thats not the same! its not the same at all! wanting is more of a passionate thing than just preferring you had something at the time. i wish there were different words for different wants. although it would still be miss-used anyhow. at least those who REALY thought about it everytime they talked would be accurate. i know that even if i made up the words and differen't levels of wants i wouldn't even use it accurately. because when you really prefer you had something at a now point of time you dont think of anything besides what you want. example: if my stomach was growling during english class because i was hungry i would only think of my embarrasment and therefore i would think that i was wanting something to eat, but really i was just preferring i was able to eat in class and that i had food available with me. i never really thought about it before but i think im right. i dont think im wasting my time when i blog and just write about whatever. some people think that i do but i know i dont. because i dont need a topic or a prompt to just write, is that another reason why i hate ms. pearson's class? it could be. there are so many reasons i dont think i should even think about that right now. i dont want negative energy bothering my freewriting. freewriting ahhhh a beautiful word, it just sounds so relaxing and well, just so free. that reminds me, i wrote a lot more poems yesterday when i didn't feel well. i hadn't wrote a poem in a long time but they just seemed to come to me. poems are also very relaxing, but only at the right moment i think. oh shoot, my hands are getting tired from typing and its 4:02! i have to do my homework! i honestly dont want to start my homework since its friday, but just because its friday doesn't mean its any special day for me so i guess its fitting to finish my assigned homework. last friday i was so focused i got all my homework done, did laundry, made a TON of cookies, cleaned the kitchen, and picked up around the house. thats what i call having no life but being focused at the same time and not having anything to do with yourself because you dont feel like doing anything and you feel incomplete with yourself but mom says its just because you dont do anything sports wise and you know she's right but you still feel the same and you also are so non social so thats part of your problem too.
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