caught in a train

why do i have to be this way?

i'm starting to like dylan just because im getting that feeling i want to help him, you know? i wish i could save him. i want to. but i know deep inside that i cant. it makes me feel sad that i could help him but its not my place to so i would never try. i even wish he would just notice me and i would be more than "white and nerdy" to him [for thats what he calls me]. It does seem that he does try occasionally in his school work, but then again he actually snorted coke on the bus for the first time this week. Im not sure if that means he's getting worse. i do believe he is a good person beyond the "trying to be cool" or whatever he would call it. I always seem to think that i "like" people but it turns out i just want to be part of their life, i want them. and then my feelings will pass as if they were some front traveling to a new area. i dont know what to make of what i feel anymore. my dreams aren't exactly helping. i dont dream of dylan anymore, but lately i have dreamt of david ball. odd i know, but thats not even covering it. i had a dream that i was in this star wars like background and he and i along with others were in this boot camp preparing us for the war. It was just so bizarre and then we started having an affair. i dont like david in that way at all. i just have these dreams that are so missleading. david is kinda nice, he's mostly just funny and immature. he's not nice to me, but i know he's nice to amber. it seems everyone is nice to amber, she's so easy to get along with, and if she's not to someone, they know not to mess. ok, i think i've finally talked myself to reality about dylan. but still, he makes me wonder, i want to know whats real and whats not about him. you know how in movies the dorks/nerds are always super cute but just are classified as nerds? i hate that. well i dont HATE it, i just feel disappointed. why do i feel disappointed? maybe because i wish that nerds really like that, that they were super cute, extremely smart [at genius level], and nice to me, but weren't too nice. i loose interest with too nice it seems. like cole. i lost interest, because i felt frustrated. but i had no clue to tell him because it wasn't anything he could control, and if he tried to control it, then it just wouldn't be him and then it just wouldn't be the same. no, it most definitely wouldn't. im caught in a train of thought. this train of thought is taking me where ever it wants to go. but not always necessarily where I want to go. at least i know why its controling me. because i dont know where i want to go with anything. i'll think of what i COULD act like and what i COULD wear and what i COULD be but i never know what i want. if someone asked me, what do you want? my brain would freeze and i would instantly think of what i preferred i had at the moment. but thats not the same! its not the same at all! wanting is more of a passionate thing than just preferring you had something at the time. i wish there were different words for different wants. although it would still be miss-used anyhow. at least those who REALY thought about it everytime they talked would be accurate. i know that even if i made up the words and differen't levels of wants i wouldn't even use it accurately. because when you really prefer you had something at a now point of time you dont think of anything besides what you want. example: if my stomach was growling during english class because i was hungry i would only think of my embarrasment and therefore i would think that i was wanting something to eat, but really i was just preferring i was able to eat in class and that i had food available with me. i never really thought about it before but i think im right. i dont think im wasting my time when i blog and just write about whatever. some people think that i do but i know i dont. because i dont need a topic or a prompt to just write, is that another reason why i hate ms. pearson's class? it could be. there are so many reasons i dont think i should even think about that right now. i dont want negative energy bothering my freewriting. freewriting ahhhh a beautiful word, it just sounds so relaxing and well, just so free. that reminds me, i wrote a lot more poems yesterday when i didn't feel well. i hadn't wrote a poem in a long time but they just seemed to come to me. poems are also very relaxing, but only at the right moment i think. oh shoot, my hands are getting tired from typing and its 4:02! i have to do my homework! i honestly dont want to start my homework since its friday, but just because its friday doesn't mean its any special day for me so i guess its fitting to finish my assigned homework. last friday i was so focused i got all my homework done, did laundry, made a TON of cookies, cleaned the kitchen, and picked up around the house. thats what i call having no life but being focused at the same time and not having anything to do with yourself because you dont feel like doing anything and you feel incomplete with yourself but mom says its just because you dont do anything sports wise and you know she's right but you still feel the same and you also are so non social so thats part of your problem too.