HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!
(i'll post a pic of my costume, if i get one)
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
i'm always so emo 5th period jk!!
"time stops for no girl"
sometimes when i freeze,
i think that time will stop for me,
but it turns out,
it doesn't,
i'm just frozen in a non frozen world,
which doesn't help me much,
in any way at all.
sometimes when i freeze,
i think that time will stop for me,
but it turns out,
it doesn't,
i'm just frozen in a non frozen world,
which doesn't help me much,
in any way at all.
i feel bad
someone actually did go on my blog! lol! so she was the one who did my poll thingy! i feel bad now, what if i said something that was offensive? she was really nice when she commented, and she said she hopes i find someone to love! lol! i thought that was sweet. THANK YOU!!!
why me?
why can't i stay mad at anyone? lol! i'm so pathetic!
or maybe its a good thing i can't stay mad at people.... I DONT KNOW!
i think my problem is i think too much! and then when i'm thinking too hard, i dont talk!
or maybe its a good thing i can't stay mad at people.... I DONT KNOW!
i think my problem is i think too much! and then when i'm thinking too hard, i dont talk!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
???
and who's the kid who said yes on my poll? WHO EVER IT IS, UR RIGHT. I AM FUCKING LONELY. AND AT THE MOMENT I'M FUCKING MISERABLE. I WISH THEY BOTH WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE.
*sigh*
*another sigh* i've made my conclusion.
he's only super nice to me because he knows i like him and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. i know this because i dont really know and whenever i am super nice back he ignores it. this is very confusing to me, but what all the facts line up to is he doesn't like me. no matter what my friends think. i know in my heart that he doesn't. and if my heart is wrong, that means i have the worst intuition ever. oh well. i am now officially in a sucky mood. AAH! SCREW HIM!! SCREW MY DAD! (btw, he called me today to have that talk mom's making him do so i ignored the call)!!!! SCREW MY LIFE!!! SCREW MY SADNESS!!! SCREW EVERYTHING!!!
i just dont give a fuck anymore, i'm now just to worn out.
i feel weak
i hate this!!!
am i the only one who feels this way?
no one fucking knows.
I ONLY KNOW WHAT I THINK, AND WHAT I THINK ABOUT IS WHAT I DONT KNOW.
he's only super nice to me because he knows i like him and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. i know this because i dont really know and whenever i am super nice back he ignores it. this is very confusing to me, but what all the facts line up to is he doesn't like me. no matter what my friends think. i know in my heart that he doesn't. and if my heart is wrong, that means i have the worst intuition ever. oh well. i am now officially in a sucky mood. AAH! SCREW HIM!! SCREW MY DAD! (btw, he called me today to have that talk mom's making him do so i ignored the call)!!!! SCREW MY LIFE!!! SCREW MY SADNESS!!! SCREW EVERYTHING!!!
i just dont give a fuck anymore, i'm now just to worn out.
i feel weak
i hate this!!!
am i the only one who feels this way?
no one fucking knows.
I ONLY KNOW WHAT I THINK, AND WHAT I THINK ABOUT IS WHAT I DONT KNOW.
uhhh..
ahem, excuse my language, i was just mad and frustrated. i feel better now that i got it out though. (and its better i typed it than saying it outloud, and i WAS going to, if i didn't write it down sooner or later to get it out)
so i'm just saying sorry. not that it really matters anyways, alison's the only person who really goes on my blog anymore anyways (god bless you alison! you're the only one left! hahaha!)
so i'm just saying sorry. not that it really matters anyways, alison's the only person who really goes on my blog anymore anyways (god bless you alison! you're the only one left! hahaha!)
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
I LOOKED AT MY ASS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME A WHILE AGO, AND OH MY GOD, I FUCKING FOUND FUCKING STRETCH MARKS ON MY FUCKING BUTT! WHERE THE FUCKING HELL DID I GET THOSE FROM? WOMEN GET FUCKING STRETCH MARKS FROM FUCKING BABIES!!!!!!!!! I KNOW I GAINED A COUPLE POUNDS, BUT FUCK, I'M NOT FAT!!!! I KNOW I USED TO BE SKINNIER, BUT ITS NOT LIKE I'M EXCESSIVELY GAINING WEIGHT!!! SO WHERE THE FUCKING HELL DID I GET THE FUCKING MARKS?????? I GOT 'EM ON MY UPPER THIGHT TOO, LIKE AROUND WHERE MY WHO-WHO IS!!!!!!! I DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND NOW I'M FUCKING PISSED FROM THESE FUCKING STRETCH FUCKING MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
HNA
i wish i was 9 again.
i wish that i didn't have to worry about high school & colleges already.
i'm not ready.
i dont wanna deal.
this is too much.
am i weak?
went to holy names today
walked around
its big
and terrifying,
am i going for myself?
or for my mom?
i wish that i didn't have to worry about high school & colleges already.
i'm not ready.
i dont wanna deal.
this is too much.
am i weak?
went to holy names today
walked around
its big
and terrifying,
am i going for myself?
or for my mom?
Saturday, October 27, 2007
dedicated to my passing of life 3
it was all a surprise-
a shock,
no one suspected-
except one,
He had a hunch-
that He ignored,
now she's gone-
its too late,
you'll just have to wait now-
till hell's gate u go,
i'll meet you there-
there's no turning back,
you'll only live once,
live it right
when you can,
she said-
in a note,
laid on her
now frozen chest.
a shock,
no one suspected-
except one,
He had a hunch-
that He ignored,
now she's gone-
its too late,
you'll just have to wait now-
till hell's gate u go,
i'll meet you there-
there's no turning back,
you'll only live once,
live it right
when you can,
she said-
in a note,
laid on her
now frozen chest.
dedicated to my passing of life 2
only one thing
she left behind,
a single note,
written on that paper,
no one will ever know...
she left behind,
a single note,
written on that paper,
no one will ever know...
dedicated to my passing of life
here lies my heart,
here lies my dreams,
thou shall pay for the dread
you've caused me,
i've felt misery,
i've felt my death,
i know he doesn't love me,
my head wont forget,
where is he now,
he's with her,
dont waste time with me,
i'll always be fine,
no matter what i say,
go ahead and live your life,
leave me here with my fears,
we've become familiar,
i hope you well,
i hope you the best,
you never knew too,
but i'll tell you now-
now that i'm leaving,
i love you...
here lies my dreams,
thou shall pay for the dread
you've caused me,
i've felt misery,
i've felt my death,
i know he doesn't love me,
my head wont forget,
where is he now,
he's with her,
dont waste time with me,
i'll always be fine,
no matter what i say,
go ahead and live your life,
leave me here with my fears,
we've become familiar,
i hope you well,
i hope you the best,
you never knew too,
but i'll tell you now-
now that i'm leaving,
i love you...
Friday, October 26, 2007
everything seems to repeat its ways
i tell them once,
before the now,
it seemed as if,
my story was a circle,
going round,
should i trust,
some more-
or should i ignore,
all signs,
of any opening,
i think just maybe,
once again,
i'll be me.
before the now,
it seemed as if,
my story was a circle,
going round,
should i trust,
some more-
or should i ignore,
all signs,
of any opening,
i think just maybe,
once again,
i'll be me.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
i'm such a mother
my reasons-
i walked all the way to elizabeths house to giver her cold care tea and some of her favorite soup to make her feel better :)
i'm so worried about cole. i'm trying to make him talk to me about his problems, but so far no luck. he tells me "just stuff", it makes me worry. or maybe i'm being to nosy? well i guess i'm just a nosy worry-wart! at least my intentions are good.
i walked all the way to elizabeths house to giver her cold care tea and some of her favorite soup to make her feel better :)
i'm so worried about cole. i'm trying to make him talk to me about his problems, but so far no luck. he tells me "just stuff", it makes me worry. or maybe i'm being to nosy? well i guess i'm just a nosy worry-wart! at least my intentions are good.
little quickies
a quiet voice,
a forgotten world,
how would she feel,
if he disappeared,
a little deserted,
a little broken,
a little fallen apart...
a door-
shut,
a gate-
locked,
i swore
i would open
but not
tonight
i hear my thoughts,
i hear my heart,
i hear people's talk,
but i can't hear,
my own voice,
do i need him,
i dont know,
there's no future,
if i stay,
misery will come,
if i go,
fate will tell,
until then,
i just let go
no one knows,
what i think,
they dont care,
what i thought,
i am what i am,
they are what they are
golden rules are taught by teachers,
the rules of dark are taught by peers,
rules of contradictions are taught by me
a smile reaches my face,
as a breeze goes on by,
another fall day begins,
but not one i'll enjoy,
bus comes, i have to depart,
bringing dread into my head,
cause school is cruel,
could it be worth it?
cole is there...
dead eyes mine have become,
does it show as i think it would?
doubt fills my heart,
even if i dont want it,
english is horrid although the
ending is near,
forever it seems i am cursed,
finishing school is poop,
finally at the end of the day its done
a forgotten world,
how would she feel,
if he disappeared,
a little deserted,
a little broken,
a little fallen apart...
a door-
shut,
a gate-
locked,
i swore
i would open
but not
tonight
i hear my thoughts,
i hear my heart,
i hear people's talk,
but i can't hear,
my own voice,
do i need him,
i dont know,
there's no future,
if i stay,
misery will come,
if i go,
fate will tell,
until then,
i just let go
no one knows,
what i think,
they dont care,
what i thought,
i am what i am,
they are what they are
golden rules are taught by teachers,
the rules of dark are taught by peers,
rules of contradictions are taught by me
a smile reaches my face,
as a breeze goes on by,
another fall day begins,
but not one i'll enjoy,
bus comes, i have to depart,
bringing dread into my head,
cause school is cruel,
could it be worth it?
cole is there...
dead eyes mine have become,
does it show as i think it would?
doubt fills my heart,
even if i dont want it,
english is horrid although the
ending is near,
forever it seems i am cursed,
finishing school is poop,
finally at the end of the day its done
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
i once saw her, but then she was gone
as i stare into a reflection,
i see tired eyes yearning for affection,
dark hair covering a lonesome face,
and a silent mouth that knows not its fate,
who is that child that i see,
looking back right at me?
a familiar face,
that i've seen before,
although not quite someone,
that i know for sure
i see tired eyes yearning for affection,
dark hair covering a lonesome face,
and a silent mouth that knows not its fate,
who is that child that i see,
looking back right at me?
a familiar face,
that i've seen before,
although not quite someone,
that i know for sure
the beating of my heart
inhale,
crisp winter air,
exhale,
all evil that pollutes me,
hold my breath,
adn dream of falling
crisp winter air,
exhale,
all evil that pollutes me,
hold my breath,
adn dream of falling
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
my dreams are so weird!!!!!
dream 1- i seem to have the same dream a lot in different versions, but the main idea is i'm standing in the dark, and i close myself and let go. i float up to the sky, and i'm finally careless. because i'm not thinking about anything. my soul gets like purified (is that even a word? oh well), and my mind is finally cleared of all evil and darkness.
(i need to talk to tori)
dream 2- this one is kind of a nightmare i seem to barely remember about when i wake up, but i know i've had it more than once. this one varies too. i'm always talking to someone, and they will all a sudden will say something like, "the song you dont know what love is reminds me of you. and i will say something like, "really, cause that song reminds me of..my dad." and they'll say that i am like my dad, and i'll start crying and i'll start running.
basically i just dream about someone saying i'm like my dad, and then i'll get pissed and run away while crying.
i think i get that dream because i know i am like my dad, but i dont know how not to be like him. he fucking damaged me. i want michael right now all a sudden. HUG ME MICHAEL.
how come i can start thinking of my dad, and all a sudden i feel like i want to die?
i need to go for a walk.
why do i try to be something i'm not? when i know that it just shows my insecurity? i need to realize that, yeah, last year i was random, funny, and happy, but just because i was like that last year, it doesn't mean i have to be that way this year. people change, and i did.
mom says i need a counselor. but i know i dont.
i can solve my own problems.
i just need to find myself again.
(i need to talk to tori)
dream 2- this one is kind of a nightmare i seem to barely remember about when i wake up, but i know i've had it more than once. this one varies too. i'm always talking to someone, and they will all a sudden will say something like, "the song you dont know what love is reminds me of you. and i will say something like, "really, cause that song reminds me of..my dad." and they'll say that i am like my dad, and i'll start crying and i'll start running.
basically i just dream about someone saying i'm like my dad, and then i'll get pissed and run away while crying.
i think i get that dream because i know i am like my dad, but i dont know how not to be like him. he fucking damaged me. i want michael right now all a sudden. HUG ME MICHAEL.
how come i can start thinking of my dad, and all a sudden i feel like i want to die?
i need to go for a walk.
why do i try to be something i'm not? when i know that it just shows my insecurity? i need to realize that, yeah, last year i was random, funny, and happy, but just because i was like that last year, it doesn't mean i have to be that way this year. people change, and i did.
mom says i need a counselor. but i know i dont.
i can solve my own problems.
i just need to find myself again.
my journal
i was looking through my journal last night (i couldn't sleep), and i found something i wrote a while ago. i was amazed I was the one who wrote it. i thought it was pretty deep. and it made me feel SO much better. i have NO IDEA too. i'll have to find it again so i can type it up.
here it is
my woes are great,
but my happiness is greater,
even if i'm bawling in self-pity, i am content.
i control my life,
even if i cant control my sorrows.
theres a chance my death dates tomorrow,
but why worry about things you cant control?
i've learned i may as well live my life how i want to live it,
'cause i'm not eyre. *
*i think i was referring to the book Jane Eyre, but that was a while ago, i dont remember why.... (so dont ask)
here it is
my woes are great,
but my happiness is greater,
even if i'm bawling in self-pity, i am content.
i control my life,
even if i cant control my sorrows.
theres a chance my death dates tomorrow,
but why worry about things you cant control?
i've learned i may as well live my life how i want to live it,
'cause i'm not eyre. *
*i think i was referring to the book Jane Eyre, but that was a while ago, i dont remember why.... (so dont ask)
thank you
i think i finally found someone who understands me, kind of. well from what i know now, it seems like he does. i dont know. thats what i thought when i met jacob. but it turns out he doesn't at all. well maybe he did last year, but not anymore.
the point is, he has a sucky dad too, and he has a plastic smile like me.
the point is, he has a sucky dad too, and he has a plastic smile like me.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
my old group :(
i love them, i always will, they were who i used to belong with. seeing them again made me happy but sad at the same time. i was the girl on the outside looking in, they're doing well without me. i love how some haven't changed at all, and then theres some who have changed a lot. of course there's the select few who will always be there for me, god bless. i just dont know what i want anymore. if i did go back, things wouldn't be the same, if i stay where i'm at i'll live on, but i wont forget, ever.
i know in my heart, that i'll always have myself and my family. friends come and go, u cant blame urself for loses. or would they be called loses? they are there, i know that. i'm just not one of them anymore, i can feel it. i'm what they lost.
i know in my heart, that i'll always have myself and my family. friends come and go, u cant blame urself for loses. or would they be called loses? they are there, i know that. i'm just not one of them anymore, i can feel it. i'm what they lost.
dedicated to jacob
ITS RAINING OUTSIDE,
I WANT TO RUN AWAY,
THERE'S NOTHIN TO DO,
I MISS YOU,
WISH THE SUMMER WASN'T THAT LONG,
BUT WHAT CAN WE DO?
MY ENERGY'S GONE,
YOU SUCKED IT OUT,
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE THAT WAY?
JACK-ASS
WISH WE WERE STILL FRIENDS,
BUT HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
WE WERE INSEPERABLE,
CLOSEST FRIENDS,
YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE,
I LOVE YOU
WISH I COULD LET GO OF THE PAST,
BUT HOW CAN I?
I JUST WANTED TO SAY,
I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU,
I JUST DONT WANT TO,
GOOD-BYE.
I WANT TO RUN AWAY,
THERE'S NOTHIN TO DO,
I MISS YOU,
WISH THE SUMMER WASN'T THAT LONG,
BUT WHAT CAN WE DO?
MY ENERGY'S GONE,
YOU SUCKED IT OUT,
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE THAT WAY?
JACK-ASS
WISH WE WERE STILL FRIENDS,
BUT HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
WE WERE INSEPERABLE,
CLOSEST FRIENDS,
YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE,
I LOVE YOU
WISH I COULD LET GO OF THE PAST,
BUT HOW CAN I?
I JUST WANTED TO SAY,
I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU,
I JUST DONT WANT TO,
GOOD-BYE.
Monday, October 15, 2007
10 reasons
10 reasons for me to be happy:
* my family loves me, they may be annoying as hell, but i know they still love me
* i have friends, i may not have a lot, but i have friends who love me, and i have Katie too! my bff jill!
* i'm not COMPLETELY a dumb ass, i have some smarts & skills. i can crochet, read, write, sew, and make peanut butter cookies!
* i live in a house (it may not be the biggest and nicest one, but its cozy, and its home)
* i (kind of) have my own room (i still dont have privacy though), and its ALL mine. :D
* I have a cat and a dog that also love me (as far as i know...), Diva and Gracie!
* i can harrase tim and i wont get in too much trouble ;)
* my mom has a nice boyfriend who loves me and my sisters (unlike tim's fucking girlfriends)
* i live in america (no duh)
* i'm me, and always will be me. i wont change, but i can be whoever i want, and chose whatever i want for my life. its all up to me.
* my family loves me, they may be annoying as hell, but i know they still love me
* i have friends, i may not have a lot, but i have friends who love me, and i have Katie too! my bff jill!
* i'm not COMPLETELY a dumb ass, i have some smarts & skills. i can crochet, read, write, sew, and make peanut butter cookies!
* i live in a house (it may not be the biggest and nicest one, but its cozy, and its home)
* i (kind of) have my own room (i still dont have privacy though), and its ALL mine. :D
* I have a cat and a dog that also love me (as far as i know...), Diva and Gracie!
* i can harrase tim and i wont get in too much trouble ;)
* my mom has a nice boyfriend who loves me and my sisters (unlike tim's fucking girlfriends)
* i live in america (no duh)
* i'm me, and always will be me. i wont change, but i can be whoever i want, and chose whatever i want for my life. its all up to me.
Friday, October 12, 2007
i think...
now that i really think about it, all of those "boyfriends" i had last year i didn't really have a crush on them. i was so dumb, i only liked them cause they liked me. i was yearning so badly for love to fill up the emptyness i felt, that i forgot what love was. i think thats why i've changed, i know realize what i've done wrong last year. yeah, last year was the best year of my life, but i didn't do it right.
i guess its impossible for me to be silly and serious at the same time. last year i was silly and didn't take things seriously, now i can only be silly with certain people, and i take school more seriously, so i dont screw off at all with other people. i feel trapped and closed in whenever i'm at einstein. its almost as if i feel i cant be myself. i'm shy again, but not in a way i was in elementary. i'm shy, but i have so much experience and knowledge now. its almost as if i have so much thoughts going on in my head that i dont even know where to start to say something to anyone. i'm questioning myself if i need a counselor or something like that. i dont know.
i DO know that i need to stop thinking about all this stuff that worries or troubles me. if i stop thinking about crap, i'll most likely enjoy my life more.
i guess its impossible for me to be silly and serious at the same time. last year i was silly and didn't take things seriously, now i can only be silly with certain people, and i take school more seriously, so i dont screw off at all with other people. i feel trapped and closed in whenever i'm at einstein. its almost as if i feel i cant be myself. i'm shy again, but not in a way i was in elementary. i'm shy, but i have so much experience and knowledge now. its almost as if i have so much thoughts going on in my head that i dont even know where to start to say something to anyone. i'm questioning myself if i need a counselor or something like that. i dont know.
i DO know that i need to stop thinking about all this stuff that worries or troubles me. if i stop thinking about crap, i'll most likely enjoy my life more.
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