michael

i have to see him again,
i'm starting to feel weak,
he's the only one who can save me,
i wanted to meet with him today,
my actions have stopped me once again,
oh michael,

i miss you,


quite terribly so.

focus.

i need to keep my mind off of friendships and relationships. i need to go back to school. back to reality. i need to get a good grade. i have decided to focus on getting into holy names.


i have decided to think for my future. i'm just a girl. i'm just an 8th grade girl. but i can make a difference


in my life.

.

i'm not important. i'm just the girlfriend.

lust vs. love

lust you regret.
love you dont.

i'm not being critical its true.

she's only drinking beer to "impress"

if only i could go back.

keegan nugent.
he would be my friend now if i went to school with him again.
i was so prejudice,
i stayed away and disliked
because everyone else did.
he was sweet,
just troubled.


i'm sorry keegan i hope you fix your addictions.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT

I WANT TO MAKE MY OWN FUCKING WEBSITE SO I CAN SELL THINGS I MAKE!!!! AND THEN I CAN DONATE 3/4 OF MY PROCEEDS TO A CHARITY FOR ABUSED FAMILYS!!!! THATS WHAT I FUCKING WANT TO DO! I DONT WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL! I WANT MR. MONAHAN! I WANT A NEW JOURNAL! I WANT AN EASEL SO I CAN PAINT MY FEELINGS, AND AN OLD FASHIONED TYPEWRITER SO I CAN MAKE MY BOOK! I WANT TO SAVE THE WORLD! I WANT TO MAKE-OUT WITH COLE! I WANT A DECENT FATHER. I WANT TO SHOW PEOPLE PAIN SO THEY KNOW BUT I DONT WANT TO HURT THEM! I WANT TO BE ABLE TO DO SOMETHING AND NOT BE ABLE! I WANT TO NOT WANT AND DO! BUT I CANT STOP! I WANT SO MUCH BUT MOST I WILL NEVER HAVE. CAUSE I DONT KNOW WHERE TO START! AND THEN THAT FRUSTRATES ME EVEN MORE AND I GET ON A RAMPAGE. AND THEN ONCE I'M IN A RAMPAGE I GET MY SHIT DONE! AND I GET IT DONE WELL!
OFF TO DO MY HOMEWORK!

-YOUR FUCKED UP FRIEND

i love my random thoughts :)

i should start a band called other people in may or maybe just other people but i like the way they both sound.

last year i wouldn't have been embarrased about sharing my fantazies

aaaahhh i love my fantasies about him ;)

if i was to die tomorrow

MY WILL

my heart would go to cole
my laughter to katie
my calm to mally
and my reason/patience to ella.
my respect would be given to mom (along with my selflessness too)
and i would give my open mind to shane.

i dont know what i would do with my love.
should i give it all away piece by piece?
or could i save a little slice for myself, for love is what every being lives for, and i would like some even if i'm dead.
for love does not die.

something actually happened in my life!

cole came over today! it was the first time a guy's been over to my house for a play date, and it was slightely awkward (it wouldnt' have been if i talked more! UGH! i'm so mad at myself!) but i had fun, it was cool. except my sister farted really loud in front of him and then she was trying hard to make me look bad. little bitch! aaah. thats sisters for ya. i wish cole and i could get closer and that i would talk more. i'll have to work on it.

oh god

i'm so pathetic i talk to my cat

i'm not sure if i like that way or not

i'm good at not making any sense at all.

oh! that twisted mind of mine!

i am my sister's personal counselor
i do not tell any why
i'm the one who thinks of ideas that should be done
to help her
and thats what i did
nothing else
(well actually i confess, i've been wanting to do this for a while now)
we both decided it was time
to make voodoo dolls
one for tim
one for lorrie
one for nella
i'm so proud
for i made them myself
twisted and evil they are
but they make us feel better
its better than being mean to him
and less exhausting
i think i'm a natural
they look pretty good
the thing is, mom always knows when we're up to something
she found out & didn't do anything
but laugh and shake her head
mally & i were relieved!
then mom gave me a compliment on my work
i felt good.

i'm not sure what normal is, but i know this isn't it

i love fixing knots and tangles. i dont know why, i just like to untangle big messes. i think its just one of those things i dont consider work.

a damaged soul isn't that far away

how do you feel
when you see her?
a little scared-
a little worried,

dressed in black,
sitting all alone,
the one who silently watches,

a small trace of a smile
you can see
on her face,

but eyes!
eyes full of shattered hopes
and dreams-
that've been long forgotten.

do you get that urge?
that urge to
give her hope?
or do you feel a doubt
that she'll ever find,
what she was ever looking for.

you'll never know
what shes thinking-
she's too complex for that,
but try,

please try anyways.

well this sure makes me feel warm and cozy inside

i was an accident.

i'm positive i was.

i was an "experiment"

well it explains a lot.

day 23 of month november

I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY HE CONFUSES ME SO MUCH! UGH! I'M SO DUMB WHEN IT COMES TO THESE KIND OF THINGS! I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY IN ANY SITUATION (EXCEPT WHEN I'M WITH KATIE AND WE'RE BEING GROSS!)

I HAVE LOTS OF KNOWLEDGE,
BUT I JUST HAVE NONE WHEN IT COMES TO CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM,
HE'S TOO GOOD FOR ME,
I JUST DONT THINK I DESERVE HIM,
BUT HE'S ALL I WANT!

i just seem to confuse myself constantly.



and i still need to think of what i'm going to get cole for a christmas present (besides snickers).

day was tiring
got out of bed 7
went to mall
mally got migraine

flashback

went to jo-anns
i got some mo yarn
went home
did nothing
still doing nothing
just sctrached my head
eyes drooping
is it really only 6:27?
gosh

flashback

i seem to have those a lot lately

oh god its almost december

how'd it come so fast?

COLE!

oh shit i need to clean my roon

why? i know why.

i know exactly why.

why are my hands always so cold?

even in the summer

i was dropped

and i had a deadly fever
when i was just a wee little babe

a wonderful day indeed

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL!

someone save me, i wish i was swinging

marissa-jean hannah chandler
marissa-jean hannah
marissa-jean
marissa
missy
me

so many things i wish i could do

i have the urge to silently run barefoot on my tip-toes throughout a never ending hallway. i dont ever want to get tired. i just want to run. never scared, but playfully. escaping.

do you hear it? it's my heart speaking to you!

i love
your chaos,
i love your
calm,
i love it when-
you sit,
right beside me,
i want
to feel
your heart beat
next to mine.

why does this make me mad?

i dont think i'm a big priority. i think i'm very small on that list. screw it.

this shouldn't even have a title

i love the excitement when you start something new. for instance, i've been thinking about my past A LOT lately, and it reminded me of the first time i decided to start this blog. At first i didn't even know what to write, haha i definitely dont have that problem anymore. now that i really think about it i used to be so talkative, but then i started writing and everything i wrote took away things i had to say. it was almost as if i didn't need to talk anymore, and i dont mind it. most of the things in my head are words and sentences no one wants to hear. they're things that i dont even understand.

i love how i can write something and no one will understand what i'm talking about except me. for example:

-i want to, but she wont understand

-he confuses me

-why do i refuse to finish it?


i dont feel like sticking to a topic right now. i just want to be random. whatever pops into my head i'll just type it. i smell like callum's old spice stuff from spraying it all over on the bus. i love pissing off that one guy, he really needs to loosen up, or do i need to tighten up? haha no. i miss tori stewart, why'd she have to go to china? i'll never forget her. and why'd jacob have to turn into an ass hole? i miss him, but i dont want to. i hate him for being such a fuck head. what do i want? i dont even know. cole asked me what i wanna be when i grow up. i had no clue, i only know what i like to do, i dont know what i want to do. the pros and cons are something i dont really want to think about. i just wanna be a kid. do i want affection? confidence? a decent father? its hard to say. i live without something for so long, you just get used to being without it, and then you start to stay away from it and you dont want it anymore. i think its a comfort thing. you're so used to it, that you dont want to ever change. me & misery are like that. i dont want to part with it, but i dont want to be depressed, people ask questions when you dont feel like smiling one day, or you just dont feel like laughing. thats one reason to like the summer. you can hide in your room, not smile, and write. write all you want, it doesn't matter. oh, that reminds me. my journal is almost full. i'll have to buy another one soon. i have to finish my hw. anodyne timid superfluous finite my life is a back up plan, it is the plan when you dont know what else to do. my life is finite. i have my restrictions, i have my rules. i have the dos and donts. what are things i can do? what are things that i can not? so many things pull me back, yet so many push me forward.

why do u do this to me ms. pearson?

ms pearson's class was difficult for me today. i remember all my memories, its just most of them i remember were not quite pleasant. the most vivid memory i have of my family being together is one of the worst memories of my life. i tried hard to fight back tears. but i know my past is bad, others most be worse. especially his/hers, if i was having a hard time i'm positive he/she was. i kept looking over to my side to see how she/he was doing, i'm so bad at reading people.

*sorry for using he/she and his/hers, but i know this person would not want me sharing anything, and a promise is a promise*

i wish she could feel what she will in the future

those who have
not felt pain,
will feel pain later,
life is not
about being happy,
some dont know
how it feels,
to be crushed,
to have their hearts
barely

strung

together

no anodyne can fix that you cant heal

i wish i was a hero,
then i could save this world,
from words and excuses,
without much ado.

weapons & bombs
are dangerous too,
but they're something
you can take back.

fury and anger
make words spill out,
but you cant take back,

what you cant grasp.

its true in every way i can think of at the moment

i always seem to do,

exactly what i'm not
supposed to.

its a habit,

i cant control,
but then again,

whats stopping it?

i'm not.

i've given much thought

i'm spoiled

i am weak

i am everything

that i thought

i wasn't

or is it

just wrong

that i

am comparing

but how do i

not?

i

thought

that life was so hard

only it is

but

not as hard

as hers.

only she will know what i'm talking about

i'll never know what she felt,
when she decided to bleed it out,
i'll never know how she started,
when it all came up,
only she knows,
where she's been
and what she's done,
she'll say to me,
they always say they understand,
but they dont
and she's right
they never will,
some are more fortunate than others,
thats the way it is,
i wish i wasn't,
she mustn't be alone
i want to understand

so many wishes but no actions in sight

i wish i could save her.
i wish i could save her from the world.
when she's most depressed,
i wish her happiness.
i wish her every laugh and smile i've seen.
i wish her love.


i want to save her.

you can probably guess what i'm talking about

was he not
the greatest thing-
that she's ever had?

the one man
she's had a craving,
a wanting-
deep inside?

now he's here
and she's all ears
for what he has to say,
oh!- how smitten is she!

something i just made up

i gave my mother-
her first gray hair,
i said not to worry-
my dearest dear-
its not about
what pigments
shall be-
but wisdom-
and experience
of thee

i had the most bizarre dream last night...

i opened the fridge, and picked up a carton of Newmons Own limade and set it on the counter as if i was going to pour some into my glass. but then all of a sudden cran-grape juice appears in my hand and i pour that into my glass instead!
it was just weird, but i guess i had to expect that considering i had cran-grape juice right before i fell asleep. i just think its funny that my weirdest dreams (that i remember) are always about food!

haha! yay!

I WAS WRONG, COLE DOES LIKE ME!!! AND HE ASKED ME OUT! YAY! I HAVE THE BEST BOYFRIEND EVER!! I'M GOING TO THE MOVIES WITH HIM AND KATIE @ 6:45! I'M SO EXCITED! HE ALREADY GAVE ME A KISS ON THE CHEEK! IT WAS LIKE A HUG-KISS! I WAS SO HAPPY, I HAD THIS GOOFY SMILE ON MY FACE THROUGH-OUT 5TH PERIOD! TORI WAS LIKE, "WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?" LOL! IT WAS SO GREAT!!!

:'(

fuck you (blank).

its not near, but not far either

sometimes i feel i cant breath,
i'm held down by fears i've had,
i wonder how they do it, how they are happy,
i want to know, i wanna feel it...

i search, and search,
but it soars farther and farther
a tease that'll always win,
something that wont come around the bend...

its something i cant control,
a feeling indescribable,
almost as if i'm falling...

falling...

falling...

on the brighter side of town..

joe taught me how to make an origami paper crane! i really didn't get it at first, but after looking up the instructions on the internet and making like 5 hundred, i've finally gotten the hang of it! :)

(as u can see i'm trying my very hardest NOT to think of "him". i'm just going to hurt myself even more than i already have if i dont.)

i'm over 100! yay

on a sadder note...

i know he doesn't like me, therefore i'm positive he's not going to ask me out.

i've lived without a boyfriend before, i can do it now. but its not that i want a boyfriend, its that i want cole. oh well. everything happens for a reason right? so i guess whatever doesn't happen, doesn't happen for a reason.

i'll live, i'm fine.

i always am.

just fine.

*sigh*

i finally told my dad how i feel about him.
i looked him straight in the eyes and told him everything.
i did not hold back.
he almost cried
i could see him breaking a little bit inside
u could see it in his eyes.
but he shook it off and acted normal
he acted like i never even said those things.
he's running from his problems when he should be fixing them
that dirty basturd
at least i feel better now

hmmm..

i was thinking a lot earlier, about very deep thoughts. and i was actually making sense to myself. i just wish i could type everything down. and if i even try i'm scared i'll forget something and no one will understand me. then what would the point be? it would be pointless! i just wish i could've shared my deep sensical thoughts with someone. but then again who would i share them with? i would be laughed at by my sisters, katie would call me emo and be bored with me, my mom... uhhh, that would just be weird and she wont understand, she'll just start asking quesions i dont want to answer (same with rhonda), so i guess i'm better off not telling anyone my deep sensitive thoughts... thats pretty sad.

i need a sensitive friend i can talk to in the person.

because unlike what people may think or say about me. i do have a lot to say. thats not my problem. people just dont listen. or better yet, they dont ask.

oh cole

i think he might,
but i dont know,
he said he would,
but he didn't say me,
why wont he?


i wish he would

hehe!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!


(i'll post a pic of my costume, if i get one)

i'm always so emo 5th period jk!!

"time stops for no girl"
sometimes when i freeze,
i think that time will stop for me,
but it turns out,
it doesn't,
i'm just frozen in a non frozen world,
which doesn't help me much,
in any way at all.

I'M SO MAD AT MYSELF, WHY CANT I TALK TO HIM? I DONT WANT TO HURT HIS FEELINGS JUST BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING TARD

i feel bad

someone actually did go on my blog! lol! so she was the one who did my poll thingy! i feel bad now, what if i said something that was offensive? she was really nice when she commented, and she said she hopes i find someone to love! lol! i thought that was sweet. THANK YOU!!!

why me?

why can't i stay mad at anyone? lol! i'm so pathetic!

or maybe its a good thing i can't stay mad at people.... I DONT KNOW!

i think my problem is i think too much! and then when i'm thinking too hard, i dont talk!

???

and who's the kid who said yes on my poll? WHO EVER IT IS, UR RIGHT. I AM FUCKING LONELY. AND AT THE MOMENT I'M FUCKING MISERABLE. I WISH THEY BOTH WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE.

*sigh*

*another sigh* i've made my conclusion.
he's only super nice to me because he knows i like him and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. i know this because i dont really know and whenever i am super nice back he ignores it. this is very confusing to me, but what all the facts line up to is he doesn't like me. no matter what my friends think. i know in my heart that he doesn't. and if my heart is wrong, that means i have the worst intuition ever. oh well. i am now officially in a sucky mood. AAH! SCREW HIM!! SCREW MY DAD! (btw, he called me today to have that talk mom's making him do so i ignored the call)!!!! SCREW MY LIFE!!! SCREW MY SADNESS!!! SCREW EVERYTHING!!!

i just dont give a fuck anymore, i'm now just to worn out.

i feel weak


i hate this!!!

am i the only one who feels this way?

no one fucking knows.

I ONLY KNOW WHAT I THINK, AND WHAT I THINK ABOUT IS WHAT I DONT KNOW.

uhhh..

ahem, excuse my language, i was just mad and frustrated. i feel better now that i got it out though. (and its better i typed it than saying it outloud, and i WAS going to, if i didn't write it down sooner or later to get it out)

so i'm just saying sorry. not that it really matters anyways, alison's the only person who really goes on my blog anymore anyways (god bless you alison! you're the only one left! hahaha!)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

I LOOKED AT MY ASS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME A WHILE AGO, AND OH MY GOD, I FUCKING FOUND FUCKING STRETCH MARKS ON MY FUCKING BUTT! WHERE THE FUCKING HELL DID I GET THOSE FROM? WOMEN GET FUCKING STRETCH MARKS FROM FUCKING BABIES!!!!!!!!! I KNOW I GAINED A COUPLE POUNDS, BUT FUCK, I'M NOT FAT!!!! I KNOW I USED TO BE SKINNIER, BUT ITS NOT LIKE I'M EXCESSIVELY GAINING WEIGHT!!! SO WHERE THE FUCKING HELL DID I GET THE FUCKING MARKS?????? I GOT 'EM ON MY UPPER THIGHT TOO, LIKE AROUND WHERE MY WHO-WHO IS!!!!!!! I DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND NOW I'M FUCKING PISSED FROM THESE FUCKING STRETCH FUCKING MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

HNA

i wish i was 9 again.
i wish that i didn't have to worry about high school & colleges already.
i'm not ready.
i dont wanna deal.
this is too much.
am i weak?
went to holy names today
walked around
its big
and terrifying,
am i going for myself?
or for my mom?

AAAAH!

I SAY LIKE TO MUCH!

dedicated to my passing of life 3

it was all a surprise-
a shock,
no one suspected-
except one,
He had a hunch-
that He ignored,
now she's gone-
its too late,
you'll just have to wait now-
till hell's gate u go,
i'll meet you there-
there's no turning back,
you'll only live once,
live it right
when you can,
she said-
in a note,
laid on her
now frozen chest.

dedicated to my passing of life 2

only one thing
she left behind,
a single note,
written on that paper,
no one will ever know...

dedicated to my passing of life

here lies my heart,
here lies my dreams,
thou shall pay for the dread
you've caused me,
i've felt misery,
i've felt my death,
i know he doesn't love me,
my head wont forget,
where is he now,
he's with her,
dont waste time with me,
i'll always be fine,
no matter what i say,
go ahead and live your life,
leave me here with my fears,
we've become familiar,
i hope you well,
i hope you the best,
you never knew too,
but i'll tell you now-
now that i'm leaving,
i love you...

everything seems to repeat its ways

i tell them once,
before the now,
it seemed as if,
my story was a circle,
going round,
should i trust,
some more-
or should i ignore,
all signs,
of any opening,
i think just maybe,
once again,
i'll be me.

i'm such a mother

my reasons-

i walked all the way to elizabeths house to giver her cold care tea and some of her favorite soup to make her feel better :)

i'm so worried about cole. i'm trying to make him talk to me about his problems, but so far no luck. he tells me "just stuff", it makes me worry. or maybe i'm being to nosy? well i guess i'm just a nosy worry-wart! at least my intentions are good.

little quickies

a quiet voice,
a forgotten world,
how would she feel,
if he disappeared,

a little deserted,
a little broken,
a little fallen apart...



a door-
shut,
a gate-
locked,
i swore
i would open
but not
tonight



i hear my thoughts,
i hear my heart,
i hear people's talk,
but i can't hear,
my own voice,


do i need him,
i dont know,
there's no future,
if i stay,
misery will come,
if i go,
fate will tell,
until then,
i just let go



no one knows,
what i think,
they dont care,
what i thought,
i am what i am,
they are what they are


golden rules are taught by teachers,
the rules of dark are taught by peers,
rules of contradictions are taught by me


a smile reaches my face,
as a breeze goes on by,
another fall day begins,
but not one i'll enjoy,
bus comes, i have to depart,
bringing dread into my head,
cause school is cruel,
could it be worth it?
cole is there...
dead eyes mine have become,
does it show as i think it would?
doubt fills my heart,
even if i dont want it,
english is horrid although the
ending is near,
forever it seems i am cursed,
finishing school is poop,
finally at the end of the day its done

untitled

i'm tired of myspace,
i'm tired of thoughts,
i want more poems,
to escape my pain!!!

i once saw her, but then she was gone

as i stare into a reflection,

i see tired eyes yearning for affection,

dark hair covering a lonesome face,

and a silent mouth that knows not its fate,


who is that child that i see,

looking back right at me?

a familiar face,

that i've seen before,

although not quite someone,

that i know for sure

the beating of my heart

inhale,
crisp winter air,

exhale,
all evil that pollutes me,

hold my breath,
adn dream of falling

my dreams are so weird!!!!!

dream 1- i seem to have the same dream a lot in different versions, but the main idea is i'm standing in the dark, and i close myself and let go. i float up to the sky, and i'm finally careless. because i'm not thinking about anything. my soul gets like purified (is that even a word? oh well), and my mind is finally cleared of all evil and darkness.
(i need to talk to tori)

dream 2- this one is kind of a nightmare i seem to barely remember about when i wake up, but i know i've had it more than once. this one varies too. i'm always talking to someone, and they will all a sudden will say something like, "the song you dont know what love is reminds me of you. and i will say something like, "really, cause that song reminds me of..my dad." and they'll say that i am like my dad, and i'll start crying and i'll start running.
basically i just dream about someone saying i'm like my dad, and then i'll get pissed and run away while crying.

i think i get that dream because i know i am like my dad, but i dont know how not to be like him. he fucking damaged me. i want michael right now all a sudden. HUG ME MICHAEL.

how come i can start thinking of my dad, and all a sudden i feel like i want to die?

i need to go for a walk.


why do i try to be something i'm not? when i know that it just shows my insecurity? i need to realize that, yeah, last year i was random, funny, and happy, but just because i was like that last year, it doesn't mean i have to be that way this year. people change, and i did.

mom says i need a counselor. but i know i dont.

i can solve my own problems.

i just need to find myself again.

my journal

i was looking through my journal last night (i couldn't sleep), and i found something i wrote a while ago. i was amazed I was the one who wrote it. i thought it was pretty deep. and it made me feel SO much better. i have NO IDEA too. i'll have to find it again so i can type it up.

here it is

my woes are great,
but my happiness is greater,
even if i'm bawling in self-pity, i am content.
i control my life,
even if i cant control my sorrows.

theres a chance my death dates tomorrow,
but why worry about things you cant control?
i've learned i may as well live my life how i want to live it,
'cause i'm not eyre. *



*i think i was referring to the book Jane Eyre, but that was a while ago, i dont remember why.... (so dont ask)

thank you

i think i finally found someone who understands me, kind of. well from what i know now, it seems like he does. i dont know. thats what i thought when i met jacob. but it turns out he doesn't at all. well maybe he did last year, but not anymore.
the point is, he has a sucky dad too, and he has a plastic smile like me.

my old group :(

i love them, i always will, they were who i used to belong with. seeing them again made me happy but sad at the same time. i was the girl on the outside looking in, they're doing well without me. i love how some haven't changed at all, and then theres some who have changed a lot. of course there's the select few who will always be there for me, god bless. i just dont know what i want anymore. if i did go back, things wouldn't be the same, if i stay where i'm at i'll live on, but i wont forget, ever.

i know in my heart, that i'll always have myself and my family. friends come and go, u cant blame urself for loses. or would they be called loses? they are there, i know that. i'm just not one of them anymore, i can feel it. i'm what they lost.

dedicated to jacob

ITS RAINING OUTSIDE,
I WANT TO RUN AWAY,
THERE'S NOTHIN TO DO,
I MISS YOU,

WISH THE SUMMER WASN'T THAT LONG,
BUT WHAT CAN WE DO?

MY ENERGY'S GONE,
YOU SUCKED IT OUT,
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE THAT WAY?
JACK-ASS

WISH WE WERE STILL FRIENDS,
BUT HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

WE WERE INSEPERABLE,
CLOSEST FRIENDS,
YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE,
I LOVE YOU

WISH I COULD LET GO OF THE PAST,
BUT HOW CAN I?

I JUST WANTED TO SAY,
I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU,
I JUST DONT WANT TO,
GOOD-BYE.

10 reasons

10 reasons for me to be happy:

* my family loves me, they may be annoying as hell, but i know they still love me

* i have friends, i may not have a lot, but i have friends who love me, and i have Katie too! my bff jill!

* i'm not COMPLETELY a dumb ass, i have some smarts & skills. i can crochet, read, write, sew, and make peanut butter cookies!

* i live in a house (it may not be the biggest and nicest one, but its cozy, and its home)

* i (kind of) have my own room (i still dont have privacy though), and its ALL mine. :D

* I have a cat and a dog that also love me (as far as i know...), Diva and Gracie!

* i can harrase tim and i wont get in too much trouble ;)

* my mom has a nice boyfriend who loves me and my sisters (unlike tim's fucking girlfriends)

* i live in america (no duh)

* i'm me, and always will be me. i wont change, but i can be whoever i want, and chose whatever i want for my life. its all up to me.

i think...

now that i really think about it, all of those "boyfriends" i had last year i didn't really have a crush on them. i was so dumb, i only liked them cause they liked me. i was yearning so badly for love to fill up the emptyness i felt, that i forgot what love was. i think thats why i've changed, i know realize what i've done wrong last year. yeah, last year was the best year of my life, but i didn't do it right.
i guess its impossible for me to be silly and serious at the same time. last year i was silly and didn't take things seriously, now i can only be silly with certain people, and i take school more seriously, so i dont screw off at all with other people. i feel trapped and closed in whenever i'm at einstein. its almost as if i feel i cant be myself. i'm shy again, but not in a way i was in elementary. i'm shy, but i have so much experience and knowledge now. its almost as if i have so much thoughts going on in my head that i dont even know where to start to say something to anyone. i'm questioning myself if i need a counselor or something like that. i dont know.
i DO know that i need to stop thinking about all this stuff that worries or troubles me. if i stop thinking about crap, i'll most likely enjoy my life more.

my sister is so dumb sometimes

Ok, i'll make this little story short and sweet, since i still have a lot to get done before i go to sleep. My sister is an idiot sometimes. My dad was over at our house (dont ask me why, cause its a long story), and before he left, Ella told mom to give him a kiss good-bye (she thought she was being funny of course), and then mom said no (politely), and then she asks mom to at least give him a HUG! HOW DISGUSTING IS THAT?!?! I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO THROW UP!!! And then mom gets all pissed at her, and Ella's like what? as if she didn't do anything incredibly stupid! I SWEAR SHE'S A BLONDE! or she's just the she-devil. I think both.

Actually thats mean, i wont say that, i'll just say she's mentally challenged socially (thats nicer).

school's getting better

i want to feel the misery that makes your heart feel like its been crushed to a million pieces

i want the dark,
i want rain,
bring on the misery,
that cold feeling my heart craves,
i can take it,
i'm strong,
so bring it on me,

i want to be lonely,
i want tears,
streaming down my face,
just let me flush it out,
its nothing new,
i can take it,
so bring it on

hehe!

Forget jacob! I HEART COLE!!!!!!!!!! COLE ROX MY WORLD!!!!!!! i think he's amazing! HE'S ME NEW CRUSH! hehe!

just putting this on so i dont forget it, cause it makes me feel better

me: I am me? This is so hard! i hate describing myself! I need someone to do it for me!
jacob: OK MARISSA i will do it for you. ok marissa is very crazy but exciting and fun to be around infact i sometimes have the most fun with her than any other person. she is very random and sometimes can have a good sense of humor (VERY VERY RAMDOM)!!! she seems to say I LOVE YOU to almost everyone except jeremy cause he scares her and gives her nightmares. She does this wierd run and its really funny!! she laughs a lot and has even been kicked out of class for it (LOL HAHAHA MR. MCCLURE!!!). hmmm what else... maybe i should just have a list!! funny, extremely cute, laughs a lot, random, fun to talk to, fun to be around, says i love you a lot, different (IN A GOOD WAY MARISTRA), interesting ( also in a good way!!), i could say more but oh well!!

new laptops at school!

i'm at school right now! yay! i'm so sneaky! i just got my new lap top (for school) and everyone's screwing off with their lap tops! i wont blog for long cause i'm scared i'm gonna get caught tho!

my stupid emotions/hormones

i keep having short crushes with jacob, its really stupid of me. i think i'm just missing him liking me, so i'm just missing the attention, so i start to like him when he stops liking me. So now he has a totally hot girlfriend, i'm green with envy. Why do i do shit like this to myself? I need to find someone. Because i'm making life harder for myself this way. I guess its a good thing i at least know why i'm having little school girl crushes on him. Everything will work out in the end i guess. Another thing that's been bugging me is jacob's been acting wierd around me lately too. Its almost as if he's too "cool" for me now, and i'm just an embarrasment to him. Especially around whatsername. damn him! lol! (just kidding) but he invited me to go to the fair with him, but then i guess he just forgets about it, and goes without me! (he doesn't even tell me about it or anything!) i thought that was rude. Is it just me? Cause i know that sometimes i CAN over-react. *Sigh*
There has been someone who i think i like, i barely know him at all, so i dont have a "crush" yet. but he's so intriguing, he makes me curious. He's like one of those people u just want to know. To me, he reminds me of all of my friends into one.

the most beautiful song ever, it makes me cry everytime i listen to it

"First Day Of My Life" by Bright Eyes

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

why is my life the piece of shit it is, and why do i feel so lonely?

first day of school was yesterday, and today was the 2nd day of schol (obviously), and both days sucked balls. Im just this new invisible loner girl now. I should think of all the good things about my "situation" but all the bad things are just over-powering it. and i have all this effing homework to do already. is it just me, or am i being tortured for something? is there someone out there who wished this upon me? did i bring this upon myself? i just wish i come out of 8th grade alive, but by the looks of it, i'm not going to survive. i want to run away sooooooo badly. but i'm too pathetic. i'm so pathetic i'm using this leota middle school pencil to rebel against einstein, no one knows about that except me, although somehow it makes me feel a tad better. whatever does make me feel better, i'm gonna do it damn it! lol

new blog?

i think i might make a new blog, but with only pictures! my own online photo album! lol! Just like what alison did! i know, i know, i'm such a copy-cat, but its a really good idea! :)

new haircut

I got a new haircut yesterday, and it makes me look like a totally different person! At first i was like, "WHAT WAS I THINKING???" but now i kinda like it! I have real bangs now, and i dyed my hair darker! i have my mom's color hair! wooot wooot! Its a pretty color, and i like it. TOTALLY STELLAR! hahahahah! well i took a picture of myself posing to use as my IM pic, but no one's going to recognize me (and i didnt' even tell anyone i got a haircut either! lol!). And since no one really goes on blogger anymore, i'm gonna put up a pic of my new haircut! (although it doesn't really show the actually haircut that well since its pulled up in a pony tail/bun thingy! hehe!)

One of my many idols..

AMBER TAMBLYN IS MY HERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lonely on blogger, where is everybody?

My friends appeared to have deserted blogger (and me along with it), i think they've replaced blogger with windows live spaces (yuck!), even if windows live is pretty cool in some ways (this is VERY hard for me to admit) i wont ever switch to it. Blogger will always be the blogspot for me (until i find somewhere else i like better). I think it would be even cooler if i had my own website and made my own blog. That would defs be the coolest thing ever. I wonder how i would do it though? hmmm.... the possibilities are endless...

that little girl i met at that one park that was so adorable i had to take a picture of her

(see title for description)lol!

Everybody Hurts

I'M READING EVERYBODY HURTS, AND THAT BOOK IS SO GOOD! I THINK I FINALLY UNDERSTAND EMOS NOW! HAHAHAH! I HAVE EMO KNOWLEDGE!

neutral

Sometimes i feel so emotionless, i'm like stuck in neutral (like in adam sandler in click), its a really weird feeling. I'm like here but not all there. That sounds really confusing, but its hard to explain the exact feeling. I guess i feel so much emotion i'm emotionless? But i seem to write the most poems when i feel like that. I just confuse myself sometimes!

when shall the misery end

love is for lonely souls,
with nothing to loose,
there's no turning back,
their life is one big splat,
one needs a purpose,
in this dark, cruel world,
is there no end to the misery?
is love really the answer?
some think not, some think yes,
but i dont really like to think at all,
yeah, i dont really like to think at all,
i've been wanting love,
just don't know how to get it,
too much of an outcast,
thats what they all think,
too wrapped up in their worlds,
to really care,
love is for lonely souls,
with nothing to loose,
there's no turning back,
their life is one big splat,
one monstrous blur,
standing still in a rush,
the end's not anywhere near,
i'll never be clear on life,
love is for lonely souls,
with nothing to loose,
there's no turning back,
my life's just a splat,
only a blur,
in this god for saken world

time flys by before we know it

My life's going by before my eyes,
Before I look it'll probably be gone,
I want to awake, but i'm so comfortable in neutral,
Before long I'll be living on hopes and dreams,
That i've thought of in my peaceful slumber,
How can I complain? I'm never at risk,
Always safe, protected by my predictions,
Sometimes i feel i have no one but myself,
Everyone's around me rushing and in a hurry,
I hate that, 'cause i believe there should be no worries
And i catch myself correcting my faults,
I've been like that, i know i have,
But right now i just dont care

quoted by whoever thought of it

"Love is for lonely fools"

"My life's a book with chapters of differen't emotions"

"The purpose of life is whatever you make it to be"

"My heart is bleeding, but only mentally"

"When life gives you rotten lemons, dont eat them, just throw 'em out!"

"Don't give just to make yourself feel good, give for the art of not being selfish"

"Don't think of it as the end, think of it as the beginning"

doubt

:(

clothes

i hate it when i find the cutest clothes ever and they are WAY too expensive! Like, i'll fall in love with this sweatshirt, and it'll be $88!!! HOW INSANE IS THAT? it made me so mad! It was by far the most clac sweatshirt around! lol! And it was Lucky Brand, which makes it even cooler. IT WAS A HIPPIE SWEATSHIRT! LOL! I WANT IT SO BAD! HAHAHAHAH!

I was going through my stuff at my dad's house today and i found some of my old clothes from like 5th grade that i totally forgot about! lol! I had a blast from the past! lol! (wow, i'm a dork) hahahahaha! I found one of my shirts that i used to LOVE! and i tried it on, and it still fit! (well, almost, the sleeves were waaaaay too short! lol!)

another thing i hate about clothes is if you think about it, they make you feel like shist/scopatta sometimes! They can make you feel self-conscious, insecure, depressed, and unhappy. For instance, if you have a pair of jeans that you absolutely love and fit you (and look great) they'll make you feel good, right? They'll make you feel confident and crap, but what if a couple months later they dont fit you anymore! Doesn't that just suck? i hate that! and its happened to me so many times! It makes me feel like a fat cow that i cant fit in my jeans anymore! lol!

I think its hilarious how sales people lie to their customers! One time i was trying on these pants, and i came out to see myself in the mirror (to see what i looked like in 'em) and they looked horrrible on me but the lady who was helping me said, "ooooh! those look so good!" in the most fake enthusiastic voice ever! lol! I was like, "thank you!" and when she left i started laughing to myself! lol! I think thats great!

My favorite time of the year to shop is august, when everyone is school shopping! Because mom and tim will pay for all the crap for me, and i dont have to pay for anything! hurray! lol! Cause its all stuff i need! lol!

untitled

i feel small,
an atom,
helpless?
a little,
I,
so tiny,
compared to,
the miracolous,
and the great,
maybe,
someday,
i will be,
more than a dot,
in this wonderous,
astonishing world

the cabin

a week ago i was up at my family cabin at lake cavanaugh (sp?), and it was so intense! I think the highlight of the most exciting moment was me taking care of this bat that was in the house!
My mammy (grandma) was getting dressed in the laundry room when she noticed something was on the ground, she thought it was a leaf at first, so when she bent down to pick it up (to throw it away) she realized it was a bat! *I wasn't there when this happened, but she told me later and i bet she screamed when she found out the "leaf" was a bat!* After that mammy called me over to come to the house (i was on the dock fishing), once i was there i could see she was very startled about something, I asked her what was wrong and she wouldn't tell me all the details so I kind of had to guess what happened, our conversation went something like this...
Mammy: I saw something in the laundry room while i was dressing and it freaked me out
Me: was it a spider?
Mammy shook her head
Me: a mouse?
Mammy shook her head again
Me: a rat?
She shook her head
Me: a raccoon?
Another head shake
Me: small pause, and then i ask if it was a bat
Mammy: yep

She left the laundry door open just a crack so I could see where it was. We weren't sure if it was dead or alive, although it looked like it was dead to me. After all, it was lying on the ground (with its wings tucked in) next to the washing machine. Mammy (in her underwear still) poked it with the end of a broomstick to see if it was dead and it didn't move so obviously it wasn't alive. We then had to get "prepared" to get it out of the house so we put on rubber gloves, grabbed a bunch of paper towels and then we were ready! lol! I opened th edoor and i picked it up with the paper towels all by myself! I felt so brave! My mistake though, was looking at the bottom of the bat's body, it was SQUIRMING WITH MAGGOTS!!!!!!!! IT WAS SO DISGUSTING! i couldn't stop shivering (i was totally spazing out)! Mammy told me to throw it out in the garbage(outside) can, even if i thought it was kind of wrong. i wanted to bury it somewhere. But i did as i was told. I'm still proud of myself, because i felt i did something exciting!

too young

We think of the things we could've done,
If only we were 21,
Life would be so great,
No more sneaking past that squeaky old gate,
To run off and hide from my pesky parents,
If only we had the cash to find a place to rent,
Baby, you and i could have the life,
Come on honey, bring me to your side,
Hold me tight, lets go for the ride,
The ride of our life

my song

I tried writing a song for the first time, and i think it turned out ok for my first try, but i dont know what other people will think! lol! I'm just worried that it sounds too much like other songs!

You're the littlest of the family,
Always in a mess,
You really dont know what's good for you,
And i have to confess,

I'll never know what its like to be you,
I'll never know, I'll never know,

You always struck me as someone who was happy,
Always there, Always doing what you're told,
But someone who holds it in for too long,
Will soon explode,
I couldn't say exactly what you felt,
I'll never know, I'll never know,
All i can say is i'll be there for you,
I'll take your hand when it gets cold,
Did you honestly think she would be there for you?
Even after she lied and treated you like shit?

I'll never know what it's like to be you,
I'll never know, I'll never know,

You're the littlest of the family,
Always in a mess,
You really dont know what's good for you,
I'll never know what it's like,
I'll never know

Show me

Write me a letter,

Sing me a song,

Show me you love me,

Or be gone,

I can't waste my time,

My life is short,

So prove you love me,

Or i'll abort.

just a play-date

i went to jacob's house yesterday, and we just hung out. We played video games, bugged alyssa, talked, drove to jamba juice w/ his mom (his mom drove of course), walked around downtown, just the usual. But i hate how when i tell people i went to jacob's house they immediately assume we did crap like kissing, etc, stuff like that. We didn't do any of that at all, we dont even hug. Really! This may sound pretty cheesey, but jacob's like the brother i never had, i know i used to date him, but now that would just be weird if i dated him. Cause now he's just one of my best friends, you know?
So i just wanted to clear that out.

social skills

I'm starting to get worried about myself, i think i'm loosing my social skills. It seems like everytime i get on the phone with someone or IM, i have absolutly nothing to talk about! Usually i have so much to say, but lately i have nothing to say at all. My momma says its just because nothing has been going on in my life, and i've been doing nothing. But i dont know if i should worry, or if i should just ignore this phase and get over it. Well i actually do know what i should do, but I'M STILL WORRIED!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M TURNING INTO MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!! WORRYING ABOUT EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!

i need to stop myself, calm down, relax, and forget about all of my stupid worries, so then i can actually enjoy this summer. Ok, i'm feeling a lot better now.

Einstein vs. Leota

I found out that i'm going to Einstein next year instead of Leota. I dont want to go to Einstein but i have no choice about the matter. Although i'm curious what it would be like at a new school, and i kind of want to go to see what it would be like, but i mostly want to stay at Leota, where i know everyone, and where all my friends are at (well not all of my friends, but most of them). So, my heart is kind of torn in 2. Im going to miss my friends SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO intensely bad. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like without them. I just hope we stay tight like peas and carrots, and still see each other once and a while! Maybe hangin around downtown, and goin to the movies?
I just want to say, I LOVE EVERYONE SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

depressing

I had this long talk with my mom today, and we were talking about my dad, and i found out a bunch of stuff that i had never known about before. It was stuff i'm glad i know now, but i'm not exactly thrilled about.
The thing that most bugs me is my dad was going to break up with my mom [before they married] and leave her with his baby daughter (me)to move to hawaii. It turns out my mom made sure they got married and she moved to hawaii with him (with me of course). it amazes me she actually married him after him wanting to leave her and his baby.
I just cant believe he would leave my mom with his baby like that, thats HIS child too. You can imagine how special i felt when i found that out today. He never fails to make me feel like shit. I lost so much respect for him when my mom told me that (but then again, i didn't respect him before i knew either, so it doesn't really matter).
Another thing i was informed of was about his whidbey island property. You see, he bought this property before he met my mom, and when they got married he made my mom give the payments for every month or whatever. But then my mom refused to keep paying the payment, it was his deal and he's the one who should be paying for it, but then he just ignored the whole thing and wouldn't pay the bills for it! So now these people have this lawyer and are going after my MOM because my dad doesn't have any money and they didn't get anything from him. now my mom has to deal with all of that and she said its possible they'll try and take our house. (personally, i dont think it'll actually happen, but i just think the whole thing is just plain wrong.
And today my dad got another dog. hurray. (sarcasm) Its another animal my sisters will grow attached to that he'll get rid of eventually. just give him a month or two, i know him too well. It hurts me to know that he's just going to hurt them again and again. I just dont know what he's thinking.
THere was so much i found out today, i'm kind of overwhelmed, i didn't type all of it, i just dont feel like it right now.

proof!

I sometimes feel like a shitty sister, but i found some proof today, that i can actually be a caring, kind, and considerate person to my sisters lol! Now whenever they're complaining about me not playing dolls with them or something, i can pull out that picture and say, "You have to remember all of the times i've held ur hand in PUBLIC and played with you before, so you cant complain to me!" hahahah! I think i'm actually kind of glad now that my mom caught me in the act (when i wasn't looking of course), but i wasn't when it actually happened. (and then of course she had to make me be even more nice to them so she could take more pictures, she was totally pushing it, and so i was starting to get irritated, but that only shows in the other picture)

high school musical

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY GET OBSESSED/LIKE WITH GREAT INTENSITY THAT STUPIDO MOVIE!!!!!! I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING MORE CHEESEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUT I WATCHED IT ANYWAYS.

deja vu

I was thinking earlier, and just randomly i started thinking about deja vu and remembering all of the random times i've gotten it. Deja vu seems odd to me, and i dont quite understand it. I think it's just when you come across something that triggers a memory that you've long forgotten. I used to get Deja vu a ton, like for instance, i would start doing something, and then out of the blue i would get a flash back of when i did the very same thing years ago when i was little! Or i'll visit this place, but then i'll get this funny feeling, and i'll think, "wait, i think i've been here before..." But the truth is, i haven't been there before in my whole life. It kind of scares me.
And you know those weird feelings you get sometimes with people you meet? Sometimes you just get these really bad vibes off of someone, and you just want to run away. i think its your conscience that warns you about people. Once and a while i'll meet this new person, and my gut will start to feel sick, and i really dont want to be around them. I cant tell you why, but i will just get this weird feeling that they are no good. I'm not sure if that would be kind-of like deja vu? or maybe it is my conscience telling me who i should stay away from?
I honestly dont know.

my parkwood friends!

I tried uploading pics on my blog for the first time! This is exciting!
About the pic: Its all the way from December! My bff katie's b-day party! I love her parties because i always get to see my friends from Parkwood Elementary! All the way from 3rd grade and down! *Sigh* Good times! Although most of the girls became my friends when i got older! lol! Silly, how that works!
Katie's on the far left, next to her is Liz, in the middle is Lena, next to Lena is Abbie, and then there's me! lol!

old times

Do u remember the old days when you were a little kid? I think about them a lot, i probably shouldn't. I always seem to think about the past, and i should think more about the present and the now.

I miss the old days when i was little, everything was so simple and nice! I always did what i was told and i hardly ever got myself into trouble. But i just had to grow up, and now my life is so complicated and chaotic! lol! I think i changed a lot, although now i think about it, i think those changes were good. i used to be so self conscious when i was in 3rd/4th grade, i wouldn't even take my jacket off ever, because i thought i was fat. I never ever talked (ever!), so maybe thats why i never got in trouble, i was so freakin' shy, i never spoke my mind! And i dont even remember having that much friends! geez!

Maybe i dont miss being a little kid after all....

my room

omigosh! i feel so organized and free and so independent! I FINALLY HAVE MY OWN ROOM!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!! I used to have this bunkbed that i shared with mally, but a couple days ago my mom and her bf seperated it, so now its just two single beds! My room looks so big now, without that huge bunk-bed! I'm so excited! I can now do anything i want with my room, and there's no 11 year old girl to yell at me for it! And my mom moved this desk into my room too, so now i have a desk! YES! life is good for me!

(i also cleaned my room & made my bed for the first time for like a year, so now i feel so clean! it feels great! lol!)

untitled poem! yay!

A broken promise,
Another lie,
One more secret,
For me to hide,
No one should live like this,
Not even I,
No mistake I make,
Should be big enough,
For a ruined life

my story/poem

I soar up in the air,
I feel the rush through my hair,
I never want to come back down,
I change my mind when i hear that sound,
The sound of alarm coming through the speakers,
Now the rush in my hair doesn't feel good,
And my blood turns cold,
How could this happen to me?
I'm falling, falling, falling,
Down from the night sky,
I close my eyes,
Is this finally the end,
The end of my wonderous life?
Once I land on that horrid concrete,
I'm not yet dead,
but almost there,
I'm clinging to my life as hard as i can,
People surround my bleeding body,
"She's not going to make it" I hear them say,
I wish i could prove them wrong,
Ambulance sirens go off in the distance,
Everything's turning into a confusing blur,
And the pain through-out my body is becoming too much to bear,
I suddenly feel myself being picked up,
A perimedic is taking me to the hospital,
Although i know what we are both thinking,
There isn't much hope of me staying alive,
I know it's my time to go,
I dont have the strength to live any longer,
I just wish I could've had more time,
At least enough to say my good-bye's,
But there isn't much i can do anymore,
The light is finally leaving my eyes,
My last words were, "i love you",
which i managed to whisper through my bloody lips,
I try to forget the pain,
I know its time for me to leave,
I close my eyes,
And i finally let go

sorry everyone!

I'm so sorry about my previous entry, u know the screw it one? I was in a poopy mood, and i felt very... well i actually dont know how to explain it, but i think i was depressed! i couldn't stop crying, and i felt like i was alone, and...
wait a second! you dont wanna hear all of this! Its old news! I'm not gonna bring up badness! I just wanted to say, i'm sorry for my poopy attitude! i hope everyone will understand! I LOVE U GUYS!

lake forest park

OMIGOSH! i had this intense day a couple days ago! It was pretty great! i was in lake forest park, and there was this beach! lol! i was with my friend katie, my family, and my mom's friend's family. It actually was kind of boring, but some exciting things happened! So i'll just list them! lol!
-lol! katie and I played on this big toy! i felt like such a little kid! It was pretty intense!
-And then Katie and I played with this random little girl (she was like 4), i named her Dot Green, but her real name was Chloe (but she will always be Dot in my heart! lol!) We made sandcastles with her, and we blew bubbles with her too! She was the cutest little thing ever! I had to take a pic of her on my phone, although i was sneaky about it because i didnt want her mom to catch this random girl taking pics of her daughter, so it doesn't show her face. :(
-I asked this other little girl who was at the beach to help me [and katie] make a sand castle and she looked at me and then ran away to her mom. BTW once she was with her mom, i could see her pointing at me and like totally telling on me to her mom! lol! It was hilarious!
-Dot's little sister (who was about 3 years old) wore her bathing suit top backwards, so you could see her nipples! lol!
-When Katie and I were sitting listening to music on the dock, these guys started talking to us, and one of 'em came over and sat next to us! lol! It was so random! lol!
-i ate a hotdog for dinner, and i hadn't had a hotdog for like years, and to be honest, i didn't miss much.

So, thats pretty much the highlights of that adventure!

screw it

I think i might delete this blog and make a new one, one where no one can read my thoughts, and read all the terrible things i've done. Cause my thoughts are getting too tangled and deep to show everyone. And the cabre things i've done are too horrible to share to my friends. I did tell someone though, and i actually thought i could trust him with telling him what happened, because i thought he was my friend. Shouldn't you know the difference between something you share to the world, and something you just dont? Do you really have that low of respect for my feelings? I trusted you, and then you just wander off and tell everyone what i did. Why dont you just scream to the whole world, "MARISSA'S A FUCKING SLUT!!!" that would be less painful. And i dont even care if you think i'm over reacting. I just dont really care anymore. At least i know to learn from my mistakes, and i definitely wont make that mistake again. And now i wont ever tell him anything personal. i know now who i should really trust, and who is really someone i can talk to knowing they wont tell the world what i said.
i think i just need a break from everything, and just relax. i want to loose all contact to everyone from this messed-up world. i just want to leave. This is just too much for me right now.

I'm very upset right now. I usually run on my treadmil everyday (weekdays) for 20 or 30 minutes, and so i had a little "vacation" with my family, and i didn't run on the treadmil for like 3 days, and so now i feel so gross and fat. And i gained 2 pounds over that time, in just 3 days! This is insane.
I'm also scared that i'm finally at that stage of puberty where i have to really watch what i eat and work out more. My hips are getting way bigger than what they used to be. Almost none of my jeans or khakis fit me any more. Its kind of depressing and its putting me in a bad mood. I know i should just probably go back to my normal schedule of working out and stuff, but i'm still feeling poopy about it. I should really just forget about it and shake it off, its just hard though. Especially if i feel like eating (pigging out) more when i'm feeling fat. It kind of doesn't make any sense but when i feel good about myself i dont want to eat as much as when i feel poopy about myself. I'm too confusing for my own good.

a poem!

I made another poem, and i wrote it while i was sitting on the laundry dryer in my underwear listening to music while txting taylor. So it kind of...umm...doesn't make any sense. But i like it anyways, it reminds me of a story! But sometimes poems are stories, so yeah i guess its a story poem! lol!
I'm also not sure if i should put it on my other blog either...hmm... i think i will!
Anways, here it is (and it doesn't have a name, i couldn't think of one):

Outside is sunny,
Nice and bright,
The sky is clear,
Not a cloud in sight,

I thought of you,
And wondered,
What it would be like,
If you were here too,

But i know in my heart,
This isn't where you belong,
I just sometimes wish,
You were here all along,

I sometimes see you,
Walking beside that old trail,
Although i know,
Its just me remembering,

You're gone,
And that's the truth,
Its hard for me though,
I can't ever forget,

You're in my heart forever,
You wont ever go,
I cant wait til i see you,
Once I enter the blue.

I think i thought of a name for it! I could call it Memory, or i could call it Heaven. Wait, i still dont know.. DANG IT! lol!

blog website!

Sorry, i forgot to tell where my other blog is! oops! lol! Ok, here it is...
http://www.xanga.com/radicallysweet94!!!!!! yay!

new blog

I made another blog! Its on xanga! I did it so i could still contact Tori when she's in China! And if you haven't read tori's blog...she cant go on blogspot in China! :( So i'm gonna try my best to update on both blogs, Although i think its gonna be hard to know what to write on which one! I could just write the same thing on each one too, that way Tori can get an idea whats going on and i can still have posts on this blog. But i'm still so excited i have 2 blogs now! This is going to be so intense! Have a good day everyone! ;)
OMIGOD THE WEATHER IS SO NICE OUTSIDE! WHY AM I ON THE COMPUTER????
i should enjoy the nice sunshine in the backyard! (wow that was random, sorry!)

hugs

i need a hug real bad right now. I'm so vulnerable and depressed right now, i bet i would let jeremy buckley hug me. Its that bad. geez, i am really pathetic. maybe i just need sleep. why am i acting like this? am i going emo again? i need help, i need someone to save me from myself.

dad's house

Bah! i'm stuck @ dad's house. Nothin to do except sit around and waste valuable time. Dad won't even let me use his good computer, so i have to use the bad one, and it has like NOTHING! i cant even IM! He wont take us shopping on this "beautiful day" but he'll keep us locked up inside his stupid house.....with his dreaded birds....and snake. I hate those stupid parrots, all they do is screech, and that is PAINFUL. and i'm not joking, your ears are always ringing in that house....from those damn birds! Some day my dad is gonna come home to find that his birds are dead, and he'll know who to blame. I dont even hide it that i hate 'em. I swear, he likes his parrots more than he likes his own kids. Thats all he cares about really, he even has this baby voice when he talks to them. sickening, i know. Dad even buys food that we love, and says, "this is for the birds, you cant eat all of it!" And so i'm like, "screw you" and eat them anyways. I always have a fucking headache @ his house, and there's no escaping from that horrid sqrawking and screeching! The house is so small, you hear those parrots from even the room thats farthest away. It seems like every 3-4 weeks i do see him, he's added another "member" to the "family". At this rate he'll have 6 by the end of the summer. And what's the deal with the snake? I walk into my room, and i'm like, "wtf?", there's a freaking snake on the floor of my room (in a cage of course). Then my dad's like "surprise!" and he's all excited. I kind of looked at him for a while, and then just left the room, lets just say i wasn't thrilled. My sisters were though, they love it when dad gets all these new pets. They're so stupid sometimes. They should remember what always happens, what's happened in the past. Dad brings home this new pet, we get excited, we learn to love it, and then he has to give it away, because he says he can't handle a pet right now. Wtf is wrong with him? He's always gone, he's never home..at all. He doesn't even have enough time for his own children, so he's not going to have enough time for any pets. He shouldn't be getting all of these pets and stuff, he knows better. I've gotten used to it, i've learned to adapt to his fucked up life, and to never get my hopes up with him. He has never kept a promise. I cant tell you how many times he's gotten me all excited over something, but let me down. And now he's doing the same damn thing to my sisters. I just can't believe they go for it. i just cant. Why is he such a fucked up lier? Why does he lie over everything? I'm so fucking pissed right now, i'm so sick of this. I'm so glad i have a good mother to make up for this mother fucker of a dad. Fuck him and his fucking life. He only thinks about himself, and always has.

those little things

My mom asked me to plant seeds and garden with her earlier, and so I said yes, i would. Not because i wanted to, but because i wanted her to be happy. It made me realize that sometimes we do things that won't make us happy, but will make other people happy, and so it makes it worth it. I think that if everyone did more little things that make the people they love happy, and thought of others before themselves, the world would be a nicer place.
And just maybe if more people gave random compliments, and more hugs, the world would be even more of a nicer place. So i think maybe i'll give some compliments to people that annoy me, because i have said bad things about them, which is wrong. And i'm sorry if i have been mean to you, and i ask of forgiveness.

I know that my littlest sister may be extremely annoying sometimes, but she is one of the most creative people i know, and she can start singing, and make up the words of her own song as she goes along. Now thats skill! She also has very artistic skill when it comes to doodling, i just dont know where she gets all of her ideas! I know I couldn't do what she does. (and i know she's not posessed by a demon)
I would like to give a compliment too my other sister mally, and i admire her take-charge atitude, she could definitely be an important business woman when she grows up. mally also has this skinny bod, and i admit, i have been jealous of her body before, which is also wrong, i know. Also, she's so caring when someones sick, she'll totally take care of them and everything. Mally cleans the house, does her chores like she's supposed to, has amazing baking/cooking skills, and still does good in school. She really amazes me.
Jacob is one of my really good friends, and i shouldn't have said those bad things about him and kurt on my blog. You aren't kurt's bitch! I'm so sorry jacob! You know i love you! You have a ton of intense things about you that i could compliment on, but mostly i think your main skill is your creativity with doodling and your story telling. I swear you could draw/write a picture book and it would be best-selling! I honestly dont know how you do it, but you can just randomly start drawing a story and tell the story to people while your doing it! I dont know any other guy like you jacob, you are a one of a kind.
Jenny seems like she's perfect, and i have critized her for it. Thats horrible and witchy of me. I'm sorry Jenny. You are outstanding and so sweet! You have straight A's, super nice, and just an outstanding student. You dont deserve any critizement. I'm just jealous, and jealousy is ugly with intensity! I'm sorry jenny!

End of School

Wow, i cant believe school is already over. The first day of Junior High seems just like yesterday, not being able to open my locker, forgeting to bring my planner to school, getting stressed by homework. (i sound really cheesey! lol!) It just doesn't feel like summmer to me, at all. I bet i'm going to wake up on monday at 6:00 a.m. and start to get ready for school! And all my friends, i'm going to miss them, so hard. *sob* The bright side is i'll still get to see them once and a while, at the movies and stuff. I'll have to have a party.
But some new little things have happened now that it's the end of the year...
-Me and michael broke up
-I kissed ben on the cheek! hehe!
-Kurt asked me out last night, and i thought he was joking, but i guess he was cereal, then he dumped me this morning cause jacob told him i liked someone else! lol!
-ITS MY SISTER'S BIRTHDAY!!!! MALLY'S (ELIZABETH) TURNING 11!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! SHE'S SO LUCKY TO HAVE HER B-DAY BE ON THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL! THATS SO COOL! (haha! that rymes!) I'M SO PROUD OF HER! SHE'S SO GROWN UP!.......NOT! hahahah! borat!
-I finally saw the movie American Pie while my mom was gone, and then after that i watched Duece Bigolow: Male Gigolo when she was gone too! hehe, i'm so sneaky! but i think the second one is waaaaaay better than the first. I think you'd agree with me with this one.
-Schools out (obviously) and that means no more homework, and i get to stay up late and get up at 12! HECK YES!
-I'm proud to say, that i am now an 8th grader!

I hope this summer turns out ok, i'm not looking forward to it right now, but who knows what could happen?

intense poems

I made some more poems, yes, i'm such an emo. I wrote these two poems when it was raining outside, and i was feeling depressed and stressed. So i was expressing my feelings (dont make fun of it).
Somewhere
Confusion,
Anger boiling,
Tears falling,

Why can't i leave this state of mind,
To leave,
To somewhere else,
Where I'm alone,
So i can get away,
From this filth in my head,

Leave this place,
To go somewhere,
In the middle of nowhere,
All by myself,
So I can clear my mind,
Of this filth in my head,

Shut everyone out,
So i can meditate,
To leave this state of mind

And my other one is...

Sometimes i wish,
I could leave this world,
And never come back,
Clear my soul,
Of this hate and emotion,
Let myself fly away,
Into the unknown,
Be forever forgiving,
and have no regret

Tyler

What is his deal? what is my deal? Why am i so mad at him all of a sudden? i dont know. I felt like i was replaced for a while, since he only talks to michelle, but i got over it. But now i'm feeling it again. Matt's replaced me too. He used to be nice and mean to me, but it was ok, because he balanced it out. Now he's just mean, and he always talks to michelley too. Would someone be a nice friend if they were mean? I dont know why i'm mad at tyler for this, i really dont. Poor tyler, he's so oblivious of whats right in front of him. Michelley welley is so nice, but somehow she bugs me, am i jealous? nope, i have nothing to be jealous of. Than what is that feeling inside my gut/heart? Why am i feeling this? Why do i dislike her like that? i have no reason too! I think tyler is obessed over her, but i think thats normal, its just he doesn't seem to have time for his other friends now. and i think thats wrong. Aren't i his friend? i thought i was, i guess i'm not to him anymore. I was just about to say something else, but i lost my train of thought since my sister interrupted me. damn it. Back to tyler, i dont know what i was going to say at all now, but it was important. It really sounds like i'm a jealous bitch, but i'm not jealous, but i may be a bitch. I dont know what to think anymore, i really dont. I'm kind of confused, and depressed right now. oh well.
and i hate stupid pet names like pooky bear, totally creepy, sorry.
i'm not having pms, either. i'm 100% sure.
do i have real friends? i think so, yeah, and if i dont, i could just go emo, and hang out with the druggies, thats where i supposedly belong now isn't it?
why am i so pissed? i dont know why! i'm freaking myself out, where is this anger coming from? why am i deciding to let it out on tyler? Is this my emotions that i have been bottling up for so long? that might be it. i dont know, i seem to be very vulnerable right now, and i even let misha hug me. thats saying something. what the hell is wrong with me? why am i doing this? i need someone to help me. fast.

IM

I think i IM way too much, and i'm starting to get sick of it. Its not even fun anymore! But something keeps pullin me back (hey! thats a song!) to the computer and its like an instinct i do, to go IM. I think i might be addicted! This is not good! I need to find new hobbies! I think maybe i'll start skateboarding again, yeah! thats what i'll do! i'll start skateboarding again, to keep me off the computer! GREAT! i solved my own problem!

Summer Blues

I DONT WANT SCHOOL TO END! This school year has gone by waaaaaaay too fast! 7th grade has definitely been the best! And i'm so not looking forward to the summer of me just babysitting my two sisters while my mom goes to work. All i'm practically going to be doing this whole summer is running on the treadmil, sleeping, eating, yelling at my sisters, watching tv, and IMing. talk about boring! School is exciting, and i get to see all of my friends! I'm going to miss them so much, I really hope we keep in touch over the summer! Especially Tori, i'm going to miss her so bad when she moves back to China, i think everyone's going to miss her! :'(!!!! To top it off, my grandma, grandpa, aunt, and uncle are all going to Europe this summer ( they're leaving in a few days), they're staying in Europe for a month! During every summer, i usually go to their house and hang out with them! Now my summer's going to be even more boring and lonely.
You may be thinking, we dont you just hang out with friends? Well to answer that, i cant, i have no ride, and i'm going to be staying at my mom's house, so its far away from my friends houses. Even if i did have a ride, i couldn't go anywhere since i have to babysit. The only days i could really go to a friends house is during the weekend, but isn't everyone going to be busy then? I dont know what i'm going to do, I'll have to wait and see what happens i guess.
uh oh.....SUMMER MODE!
Even if i love school, i'm already getting into summer mode, and i'm getting all lazy and stuff, thats not good. There's still 1 more week left, and i need to pull myself together! FAST!

The summer blues suck! I have nothing to look forward to AT ALL!
i need someone to save me or something. lol!

more poems

ok, i made a poem, it doesn't make any sense, and really sucks (and sure isn't as good as tori's!), but i'm still proud of myself anyways! lol! Ok, here it is...

Why am i so naive?
Why am i so confused?
When the truth is plain to see,
at least for everyone but me.

Why am i so left out,
i've gone into a pout,
Wont somebody tell me,
What this fuss is all about?

I think i have made up my mind,
I know what I should do,
I'll walk right up to them,
and ask them what's the deal.

They told me what was happening,
I feel i should've known,
That never trust a rumor,
No matter what you feel.

OMG!

OMG! I JUST READ ONE OF THE BEST POEMS EVER!!!!! I CANT BELIEVE MY FRIEND WROTE THIS! THIS IS AMAZING! SHE IS AMAZING!
OK, HERE IT IS....
Look out the foggy window,
Into the swirling,
swirling snow,
Look into a world of shining glass,
That once a year will show.
Watch as the crystals fall from high,
Gently onto your outstretched hand,
Study the mystery of the sky,
Floating softly down to land.
Stare as the first rays of sun,
Set the land a glow,
Look as you see the winter’s frost,
Melt as the green grass grows.
Feel the sunlight on your skin,
Touch the new life surrounding,
See the pale green buds appear,
On trees, oh how astounding.
Hear the sweet song of birds,
Rejoicing in the chill,
Hear the life creep out of the mist,
Out of the endless still.

is this normal?

I really like michael, i think i've actually got a real crush now, and i haven't had one for so long!
i cant stop thinking about him, and when i do think about him, i get these really bad butterflies in my stomach. i mean reeeally bad! i couldn't even eat today. I keep thinking about doing stuff with him, and i wont get into detail, (since so many of my friends read this, and will think "wtf is wrong with her?!?") but i think you know what i mean ; ).
...Wait a minute...
Is this normal? Or maybe i'm getting obsessive? That wouldn't be good.
I need help.

Ella

I'm worried about my little sister Ella. Mally and I are not good influences on her... at all. Ella is 7 years old and already swears, i think the first word she learned how to spell (and actually remember it) was poop (she was 5 then)too. I'm worried about how she's going to grow up. I'm like the worst sister ever, i never pay any attention to her, and i teach her bad things. She's going to be evil by the time she goes into double digits.
Another thing is, she thinks she's fat, she's 7 and she thinks she's fat. That makes my heart feel sad. When i try to talk to her about it, she doesn't listen. I think Mally is putting some bad things in her head, after all, she hangs out with her way more than i do.
One thing that isn't my fault however, is she's totally obsessed over TV and bad foods. And she's the laziest person i know, wait, i take that back, she's not the laziest (but close).
I'm just feeling apprehensive? or scared? i dont know. but i'm feeling something bad about what she's going to turn into.
Mally i'm not worried about as much as Ella. Although i tell her crap i shouldn't as well.
I really need to stop doing that! I'm ruining my sisters!!!!! :'(
Do you think they'll be ok? Or will they grow up a bit messed up?

helpless

I feel torn apart. What am i supposed to do when 2 of my good friends are fighting? Have i caused this? No, i dont think so. They were fine last week (i thought).
Tori always knows what to do and say, i wish i could be her right now. I mean Jacob won't get off peoples backs about everything! I'm not saying i'm on anyones side, but i feel bad for tyler. Why does jacob care if tyler's obsessed over michelle? Shouldn't tyler be obsessed over her? After all they are gf/bf.
Aren't tyler and jacob both friends? Then why is jacob getting on his case about stuff? I understand that jacob might be frustrated with him, but come on! Shouldn't he be a bit more reasonable about it. I know that i used to be jealous of michelle since tyler gave like all of his attention to her, and none to his friends (like me), and i think thats what jacobs going through. I'm over it now, because i had to stop myself and think.... "wait, why am i jealous of michelle? i dont want to be tyler's gf. he's just my friend, so why am i jealous?" and then i realized how stupid it was to be jealous of michelle and that tyler was still my friend and he didnt replace me at all. (jealousy is also not attractive at all: )
Maybe tyler and jacob will get over it soon, until then i'll have to support both of them? No, i think i'll stay out of this one. I dont want to be called a f*cking b*tch again! lol! Maybe i'll just give advice? I'm stumped on this one. I have a bad feeling that this is going to last a while, it may seem like its gone away, but really be invisible, like a ghost! lol! I'm pretty helpless. oh well, what can you do really?

my blog

My blog seems to have caused a ton of problems between me and my friends, and its very troubling. I'm wondering.. should i delete my blog and never make one again? or should i delete my blog and start another one but not tell anyone about it? I also could just leave this one how it is too.... i guess.
Some of my friends are getting in a hissy fit over what i write, and that also gets me to wondering..
Am i not sensitive enough over their feelings about what i think?
Or are they over-sensitive about what i think?
Am i really being the f*cking b*tch they think i am?
Should i care?
Or should i try and change?

i'm on crack????

Why does everyone think i'm on crack? I really dont act like it! All i do is laugh, and people say, "Are you on crack?" and i'm like "no!' It doesnt make sense to me, i'm really not the sort of person to ruin my life by smoking dope or something. And these people think that i am! lol! its insane! Especially jacob, he's convinced that somethings wrong with me, and that i take drugs. And once he starts giving me a hard time (like at lunch), then almost everyone does. At first it was funny, and i laughed with them when they were saying i was on crack, but now its really getting old and its really not funny anymore. Its kind of stupid. Is it normal for a person to be used to being made fun of? I really dont know. Jacob can kiss my ass, i just dont care what he thinks. I'm not on crack, and i never will be. I'm just getting annoyed with hearing it over and over and over again that i am.

this is a change of subject, but i think i'm sexually harrassed by the 8th graders who get off my bus stop. They make comments about my body, and i really really dont want to get into detail. I guess they're my friends, its just that sometimes they can get kind of creepy, if you know what i mean.

Softball : (

OMG! my softball games are too long! They're like 2 and a half hours long! They would go faster if i actually had good pitchers on my team, wait, i take that back, i do have 1 good pitcher. but her dad wont let her pitch more than 7 innings a week, and she plays on 2 teams at the same time, so she only pitches 2 innings for us. its poop. I play 1st and right field, but so does this other girl, and she complains whenever she doesnt get to play 1st so she gets to play it more than me. And she really isn't that good, i guess she's ok. I'm just getting sick of softball. The practices are on fridays and tuesdays too. Come on! who has practices on fridays! Thats sooo stupid! I cant go to the movies with my friends that much because of it! And i have a tournament starting monday. you know what that means? (i dont usually have games on mondays, only on wed. and sat.) That means that my break days from softball, i dont have anymore!!!!! I HATE MY UNIFORM!!!!! I WISH I HAD COOL TEAM COLORS LIKE RED AND BLACK AND HAVE BLACK PANTS!!!!!! BUT INSTEAD I HAVE BLUE AND YELLOW WITH BLUE SHORTS!!!!!!!!! AND MY SLIDING SHORTS ARE TOO SMALL FOR ME!!!!!!!!I want to quit! I dont even get that much excercise! I was more fit when i didnt do softball and just ran on my treadmil for 3 times a week. I wanna try a new sport, maybe golf. Golf is more fun and less boring.

my friends

Blackstone- He's too wrapped up in what other people think of him, and how everyone copys his jokes. Although everyone does steal all his jokes, and i kinda feel bad for him. I also think its sad how he thinks he always needs a gf. If you dont like anyone, dont ask anyone out! Its as simple as that! And when did he start liking kerry? That was a surprise, but i'm not saying i'm jealous, 'cause i'm not. Jacob wasn't exactly the best bf, but he's cute. Even if he's a major flirt on IM and email, but then you get to school and he acts like a boob. I cant believe he wont invite me to his party either, we're supposed to be tight! lol! He's one of my best-friends, and we have a pretty good time together! Don't we? Well, we do when he's not making fun of me over and over again about the same things. Like my arm chub, he tries and says that all my fat goes to my arms, when i know it doesn't. My fat is evenly distributed throughout my whole body, thank you very much! People think that he acts like kurt's bitch too, and i guess that its true when kurts around most of the time. Jacob is a good friend over all though.

Matt- I have nothing bad to say about him. He knows when too much is too much when it comes to making fun of me and kidding around. I have a fun time around him, and we have all our classes together, so he's a good study buddy. lol! Him and Alison are such a cute couple together too! Matt is boyfriend material though, so alison and him are going to be together for a long time, i can just tell!

TT- Tyler's a good friend also, even if he's totally obessed over michelle! lol! His mom is really nice too. He's a gentleman when it comes to showing his affections towards michelle, and i admire that. When all the guys are like, "tyler, you're such a weiner, put the moves on michelle!" He ignores them, and takes his time with things. He's gradually showing more affection toward her. They're pretty cute together! lol! and he's determined to kiss her next time they go to the movies! I think tyler's good boyfriend material too, michelle's lucky, he's really cute and nice. But i think tyler has a lot of anger bottled up in him towards some things, and i feel bad for him about certain situations i wont mention.

Katie- She's one of my best friends, but i dont feel that comfortable with her as i do with some of my other friends. Its because i barely see her anymore, and she can be sensitive sometimes and i have to be careful what i say. Katie used to be hilarious and silly, but now she seems to be more serious, i guess she's getting more mature? I dont know, but she's still super duper fun! I'm also jealous of her eyebrows, she has the most perfect beautiful eyebrows! She looks very classy.

Kurt- Lol! He's one of my friends, and my art buddy! I like talking to him in art while working, its fun. Kurt is fun to be around with. Although, he is a major flirt, but that may be a good thing or a bad thing (depending on who you are)! lol! He's cool, i think he's very laid-back and relaxed. I envy how he doesn't care what other people say about him, he's always so casual about stuff. Even if he can be an ass-hole sometimes, but then again, everyone can be an ass-hole sometimes! I also have to say, i liked him when he had the bushy eyebrows better, it was more natural looking! : ) Thats all i really have to say about him right now! Oh, and he has funny, but perverted jokes! lol!

Alison- Alison is sooooo sweet!!!!!!! I think she's such a nice person, she's also very classy, and i love her sense of humor! The only down side is I sometimes dont know what to say around her, which is poopy.

Larissa- I really dont know what's her deal. at all. We used to be tight, but now she hangs out with the "cool" group, its kind of weird. And we used to have the same sense of humor (well it seemed like we did) but since she hung out with a different group, she acts like she doesnt want to be around me that much sometimes. Well she used to anyways, or did she? She kind of changes her mind about me all the time it seems like! One day she'll ignore me kind of, and the next she'll act like we're best friends! ITS SO CONFUSING!!!!! she confuses me.

Erin- I love erin's parents!!!!! They are so awesome! And they love me too! jk! hahahah! Also, Erin i s another super sweet girl, but she isn't too sweet shes hard to be around with. She has a real good sense of humor and can hang out with guys like kurt (with the perverted jokes ; ) I love hanging around with erin, but i also dont know what to say around her either.

Michael- Michael is my new sick-conversations buddy! We talk about stuff like sex on IM or email. He knows so much! It's kind of surprising how much he knows! And i admire his orginality in personality and fashion sense! lol! Michael also really doesn't give a shit about what other people think either! One other really great thing about michael is... HE GIVES LIKE THE BEST HUGS EVERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!! i mean intensely good! You know that feeling when you hug someone and it just feels right? Its really hard to explain, but you know how it feels like you fit perfectly in his arms? like 2 puzzle pieces put together? Its kind of like that. Now you're probably thinking that i have a crush on michael, well i only do for a moment when i think about his hugs! lol! The rest of the time i dont, really!

Ben- He's so cute! Ben really needs to work on his flirting skills though (like i already talked about). I think its poop how we are supposed to be going out, but he doesnt even talk to me (i know i dont talk to him either) and he's the one who's supposed to start the conversations and flirt! He's the man of this relationship, so he has to do it, i'm tired of flirting all the time! lol! Ben is a nut, i love how goofy he is, and i love hanging around with him too. poor ben woody! Jacob says i'm going to ruin him, i dont think i will though.

Kate- she's one of my good friends, but she's fun to be around with. Kate's one of the "cool" group, and I only really talk to her on the bus. We sit next to each other everyday and talk. I swear, her life has so much drama in it, she could write a book just about her life and it would be interesting! i would definitely read it! And kate always knows what to say with comebacks to people, she's really funny! And kate could say she was 15, and i think people would believe her, she looks way older than she really is. I also don't get how guys think she's a man? she is farthest from that! I love her hair, its so pretty, its like the perfect shade of blond, i wish i had hair like that, its really beautiful. Mine's poop color, boring brown.

Tori- Tori is amazing! she is sooo wise! She amazes me, how smart she is with people! And she's so deep! I wish i could be more like her, i mean, she always knows what to do and say in friend crisis. I'm such a dork when it comes to helping a friend, getting into fights, knowing when too much is too much, and stuff like that. Like for instance, i laugh at the most wrong things, actually, i laugh at everything, and i cant help it! So it encourages people to do stuff that they shouldn't. But tori is so mature about stuff like that, and she knows when to laugh, and when to not laugh. I need to hang around more with her, maybe she could rub off on me! jk! Thats wishful thinking (and kind of selfish!)

Helena- I think she's a genius! and she doesn't let anything get in the way of what she wants! When she grows up, she'd be the best buisness woman ever! Although i think she said she wanted to be a brain surgeon, lol! she'd rock at that too!

Misha & Ben (Dazey)- They are sick minded basturds! but are good friends! They are tons of fun to hang around with!

Taylor- He's my newest friend! i haven't actually met him in person yet, but i've talked to him on the phone.... kind of, well, i basically IM him and thats it. But we are still TIGHT! lol! not really. but i love him just like i love any of my other friends. He's cool. i wish i could meet him in person.

Chase- Chase is my Guitar Hero II buddy! I can understand why people think she's a lesbian sometimes, but most of the time i cant. She's a good friend of mine and i cant wait to see her again over summer break! I love chase's sense of style too! Other than that, i dont really have much to say about her right now. I dont actually know her that well.


*If i miss anyone, its becuase i haven't finished this entry of my blog*

secrets

There are so many secrets in this world! And when i keep in secrets in my head, i feel like i have a burden.
whatever thats supposed to mean. i think what i mean to say is i dont like secrets. So, whenever i have a secret, i'm going to write it here....
1) I think about sex a lot, and too often. I'll think about it at the most random times. I dont actually have sex, i just think about it.
2) I played with dolls till i was in the 5th grade, embarrasing i know. But thats what you get for having 2 younger sisters and thats all they will do with you.
3) My dad cheated on my mom with many other women.
4) I've never kissed a boy before. (i've only been kissed)
5) I used to want to be a model, which is stupid, i know that now! lol!
6) I wish i had a cute stalker (like my friend jessica does)
7) I really want to go to a guy friend's house so i could play with them, i think it would be more fun than playing at a girls house

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm so pissed w/ my mom! She says, Stay at your grandmas house so i can get to work faster in the morning! (since she drives me to school before she goes to work), and so i say, FINE! 'cause i hate staying the night at my grandma's. And guess what happened after that? She took my backpack w/ her to my house, so then i couldn't do any of my homework (which was due the next day)! ITS POOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry

I'm sorry kurt and tyler, i didnt mean to cause any problems. You dont look at porn, and i only said that, cause thats what i heard about you. I also was very confused, frustrated, and mad, and when i am like that, i write down stupid stuff! k?

My new bf

I feel really bad for my new bf, i mean his last name is Woody. Thats probably the worst name ever! Having your last name be another name for a boner? Thats pretty bad. Although i think its kinda cute in a way. Ben is cute.
I also feel bad for him because he likes me, but he doesnt know how to flirt, i mean he does not flirt, at all.

i think something is wrong with me, how can someone not have a crush last more than a week? I guess i'm not mature enough, although i've gone through puberty, and i've already had my first period! Maybe my body's ahead of my brain in maturity? i think that may be it.

The sick minds of some people

OH MY GOD!!!!! i was just casually walking to my computer, and when i got on there, there were all of these porn pop-ups! Like 10 of 'em too! They were so disgusting!! I didnt know people could actually put pictures like that online! Thats horrible! And you're probably thinking, oh, its probably just a picture of this girl naked or something. BUT IT WASN'T, THERE WAS MUCH, MUCH, MUCH MORE!!!!
There were pictures of guys sucking on girl's tits, and there was this girl sucking on this guys penis, and you could see all of the sperm on her face! And thats not all, there was a picture of a totally naked girl with a penis! A she-man! And there was a girl and a guy having anal sex, and a picture of a girl with guy's penis's all over her head! You name it, it was there! And they really showed real penis's and boobs!
Once i saw all of those pictures, my heart started to beat really fast, and i thought i was going to throw up! I had never really seen a picture of a real penis before, and seeing all of those, was just a tad bit SICKENING!!!!!!!!! I'm just a poor, innocent, 13 year old, should i really have seen that? No! i should not have! I'm probably scarred for life now.
I HATE SPAM!!!!!!! AND ESPECIALLY PORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THOSE SICK MINDED BASTURDS!!!!!!!!!!
this is totally off subject, but the person i would tell all of this kind of stuff too, i can't anymore, and i'm really sad about it. I guess he got a gf now, and so he doesn't have time to have sick, gross, conversations anymore with me. :'(
Its truly sad.

So many questions, and no answers!

Why is life so confusing? Why are boys so confusing? Why do people think i'm on crack? Am I a loner? Why do I not fit in? Why is it that the "cool" people are always a pain in the ass? Is it harder being the oldest, middle, or younger child? How did people begin to think that God created this world (I'm not saying i dont believe in God)? How did my least favorite teacher become the teacher i see the most at school? Why am i so messed up? How did everyone become so greedy and money-obsessed? What has this world come to?

Beginning blogging

I've decided to start blogging, i think it will be a good way to express myself and my feelings. Lol! I know i sound like an "emo", but thats how i feel. My friend Tori started blogging, and i think it looks like fun! lol! She inspired me! Although she talked about how my friends kurt and jacob had no feelings, and how inconsiderate they were. Oh well, if thats what made her feel better, ok then. I like how I can say anything and let out what's inside my head, it kind of makes me feel better. I think blogging clears my emotional clutter inside my head. Or maybe i'm just going crazy. Would going crazy be fun? I wonder.... i think it would! lol! Anyways, well, thats pretty much it for right now! I'll have to start my homework sooner or later. ( :